— Fiction —

Wise Words of Wisdom

Some people say the glass is half full. Some say the glass is half empty. So you were thirsty, big fucking deal.

The true test of a man is how he reacts in the face of adversity. If you do not have any adversity handy, check the Adam’s apple.

Sometimes, the gods smile upon you. Other times, they tell you to keep stabbing the hitchhiker.

You know what they say: When in Rome, keep an eye out for dirty Italian thieves.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, provide him with a reliable fishing rod, bait, tackle, and a boat, move him to the coast, near waters where fishing is permitted, where chemical runoff hasn’t damaged the ecosystem, and where mercury levels don’t render the fish inedible, help him apply for a fishing permit in accordance with federal, state, and local regulations, feed him for a lifetime.

If at first you don’t succeed, nice work, asshole, you ruined Thanksgiving dinner.

Women and children first, except in porn.

During the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important. So any time you need to remember the true meaning of Christmas or ischemic cardiomyopathy, just look inside your heart.

It’s always difficult to lose a parent, especially when they’re still sharp enough to remember your address.

When life hands you water, high-fructose corn syrup, citric acid, lemon juice from concentrate, gum acacia, natural lemon flavor with other natural flavors, salt, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), and beta carotene (for color), make Snapple® Lemonade.