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My Up-to-the-Minute Election Coverage

This is Will Layman, and welcome to my coverage of the crucial [insert name of random state here] Democratic primary.

Today’s voting in [random state, but probably not New Jersey, about which, frankly, who gives a rat’s ass?] could determine who becomes the next president. It certainly should play a virtually decisive role in choosing this year’s Democratic nominee after this tight and hard-fought race.

If [this state—probably tiny and maybe not a state at all, like, how crazy would it be if Guam chose the next president? Go, Guam!] tilts to Obama by a margin of more than five points, it will be all but inevitable that the senator will still be unable to lock up the nomination without a heaping dose of hard-to-predict Super Delegates, which will actually mean that nothing much has changed. But it will certainly feel like things have changed, and that will be news. For weeks.

The Obama advantage, of course, could be neutralized if [Guam or maybe … American Samoa? Or, I don’t know, what about one of those islands where we blow up nuclear stuff as a test—do they vote there?] were to support Senator Clinton by more than 9.4 percentage points, in which case we fully expect that Bill Clinton will immediately get in front of a TV camera and accuse your grandmother of betrayal, all while he jabs pins into a voodoo doll that looks exactly like your grandma down to the slightly broken glasses she wears every day even though the repair would be cheap as all get-out.

This result of the must-win primary will cause the Super Delegates to fall more likely for the Illinois senator. That is if and until the Reverend Jeremiah Wright gives another speech, in which case Senator Obama should definitely not become the president because someone else thinks that American has a history of racism. If the Reverend Wright does not give a speech but merely sneezes, this is certain to indicate that the reverend and senator both blow their noses with the stars and stripes, waving proudly, which flag properly should be pinned to Obama’s lapel. Election over. The Northern Mariana Islands made all the difference.

So, stay tuned to my election coverage. By the time tonight’s game-changing returns are counted, there is very little doubt that somehow something will possibly be clearer involving the election or at least that someone somewhere will say that something might be clearer soon. Ish.

I will be using this cool electoral vote map to speculate about what would happen if Senator Clinton miraculously managed to get everyone from Florida and Michigan to move to the Midway Atoll National Wildlife Refuge, to register there as Democrats, and then to resist the magnetic attraction of the Arcade Fire concert that has been organized by Senator Obama’s intensely involved local Midway organizers. I will ask my crack “political team” whether the presence of a second “L” in the name “Hillary” has been a deal-breaker for leaning-left activists, and they will point out that the Nafta issue really didn’t matter because, just a short moment ago, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright shaved off his moustache, and that is ominous indeed.

Our coverage will begin after these brief attack ads.