— Listicles —

Eggs on the Brunch Menu of the Restaurant I Probably Shouldn’t Open

Eggscellent
Two eggs served sunny-side up with an orange slice and a strip of bacon configured in a smiley face, just like the sticker your fourth-grade teacher never put on any of your spelling tests.

Eggstraterrestrial
These green eggs (not to be confused with the ones served with ham by the venerable Dr. Seuss) will land on your table in a flying saucer. Though you will be invited inside, it is imperative that you respectfully decline and use your utensils as weapons if an interplanetary battle ensues.

Teggsas
For this omelet, we take all the stars of the U.S. flag and whisk them into one larger, more self-important star. Then we tuck it into a bed of egg whites and American cheese, deep fry it in a vat of crude oil, and serve it in a ten-gallon hat.

Eggstremists
When you’re least expecting it, these hard-boiled eggs sneak onto your plate wearing hot sauce belts. They are dy-no-mite!

Seggue
This French dish consists of two eggs of a similar nature. The first yolk is broken slightly so that it leads smoothly to the next.

Preggnant
These eggs will be extracted from you or your female brunch companion, blended with sautéed tadpoles then slow-cooked for nine months. Warning: May induce nausea.

Eggsistential
These eggs come with an invitation back to the kitchen where you are free to prepare them however you want.

MeggaBytes
These tiny breakfast morsels may not appear filling but they are packed with protein and will in fact stay fresh forever, especially if you order a back-up serving of the hard-boiled variety and make sure to store them separately.

Eggs-boyfriend
Needless to say, these went bad a long time ago. They’re served rotten on the windows of his beautiful new house, accompanied by a side of silly-string fries.