Friday, April 18, 2008 |
— Fiction —
The Tyra Banks Show Seder
 |
Tyra: Today’s show is a very, very special show. Today we’re going to learn about a very important holiday—Passover!
(Audience cheers wildly.)
Tyra: (Moves to couch.) And to help us learn all about the history and traditions of Passover, I have some very special guests!
(Audience cheers wildly.)
Tyra: To help explain about the history of Passover … from his hit TV show Father Hood, we’ve got SNOOP DOGG!
(Audience cheers wildly as Snoop Dogg appears, greets Tyra.)
Tyra: And we’ve got the hard-rocking hottie star of Rock of Love, BRET MICHAELS!
(Audience cheers wildly as Bret Michaels appears, greets Tyra.)
Tyra: And how could we celebrate Passover without knowing what time it is? Come on out, FLAVOR FLAV!
 |
Tyra: O.K. Now this is exciting! I feel like such a groupie!
(Audience cheers wildly, goes “Ooh!”)
Tyra: Now, guys—I love your music, I love your television shows! But what can you teach us about this holiday?
Snoop: Well, T, Passover is this crazy thang. it’s like a block party for the Jews … to commemorate their freedom from slavery.
Tyra: So the Jews were slaves? I didn’t know that! (Looks at audience.) Did you know that?
(Audience looks baffled, shake heads.)
Flav: (shouting.) YEAH! THE JEWS WERE SLAVES TO THE PHARAOH IN EGYPT FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS! THEN MOSES RESCUED THEM FROM THE OPPRESSION OF RAMSES AND LED THEM THROUGH THE DESERT TO THE PROMISED LAND!
Bret: And the term Passover comes from the Hebrew word meaning “the passing over” —if you saw that movie with Charlton Heston you might remember that Yul Brynner ordered the death of all first-born Hebrews but then God sends this really spooky green mist to kill the first-born Egyptians. But the mist passes over the houses with the lambs’ blood on the doors—so the children of the Hebrews are spared and Yul Brynner’s kid dies. So Yul Brynner lets them go—the Jews—and that’s why they celebrate Passover.
Snoop: And now it’s all hood, Tizzle.
(Audience applauds, nod heads.)
Tyra: I remember that movie!
Flav: (shouting.) TYRA, I’M GONNA CALL YOU SMOKEY-SMOOTH, BECAUSE YOU’RE SMOOTH LIKE SMOKEY ROBINSON AND I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SMOOTHIE!
(Tyra laughs; Audience cheers wildly, goes “Woo!”)
Flav: (Shouting.) FLAVOR FLAV!
Tyra: Well, that clears up a whole lot, doesn’t it? That sounds like a great reason to have a holiday! And with every holiday you have to have a big meal—so we’re all going to learn about what you should eat at Passover … WITH MARTHA STEWART!
(Audience cheers wildly as Tyra, Snoop, Bret and Flav move across the floor to a kitchen set and greet Martha Stewart.)
Tyra: Now, Martha, I see you’re doing some cooking …
Martha: Well, in traditional Jewish households the Passover holiday has a special meal to go along with the reading of the Haggadah.
Tyra: The Ha-what?
(Audience laughs.)
 |
Tyra: Huh.
Martha: That’s right, Snoop. But first we have to set the table—the Seder table—with a Seder plate and cups for wine …
Snoop: I brought my chalice. (Holds it up.)
(Audience laughs wildly.)
Flav: (shouting.) AND I BROUGHT CHAMPAGNE! KOSHER CRISTAL! (Holds it up.)
(Audience cheers wildly.)
Snoop: But first we have to recite the Kiddush.
Tyra: Martha, I’ve heard that during the Passover meal you don’t eat right away.
Martha: Well, there are breaks for eating throughout the reading of the Haggadah, but the larger meal is served later.
Bret: That could be bad for me, because I have diabetes.
Tyra: Oh, we did a show about juvenile diabetes. Bret should eat something. But is the Seder—did I say that right? Seder?—Is the meal going to be O.K. for Bret with his diabetes?
Martha: Don’t worry; I’m making a very special kugel for Bret …
Snoop: I’m actually in the mood for some chicken and waffles from Roscoe’s. But I do enjoy a good kugel. With a little maror …
 |
(Audience cheers wildly, jump out of their seats as J greets Tyra.)
Tyra: Now J … why don’t you tell everyone what the big surprise is.
J. Alexander: Tyra, I’m going to give everyone in the audience a fabulous makeover!
(Audience cheers wildly.)
Tyra: That’s so excellent! It really, really is! Because when I first heard about Passover, I thought it was like a makeover!
J. Alexander: It’s something of a makeunder, if you catch my drift. Traditional Jewish women dress modestly in long skirts which cover the legs, and long-sleeved shirts or blouses which cover the arms to the wrists. Also, tichels, which are scarves to cover the head.
Tyra: That sounds a little homely.
J. Alexander: Well, just because we’re dressing down, doesn’t mean we can’t vamp it up, honey!
(Audience cheers wildly, goes “Woo!”.)
J. Alexander: For every woman here today, we’ve got scarves from Hermès, skirts from Miu Miu, blouses from Cavalli, and shoes from Christian Louboutin!
(Audience cheers wildly as staffers bring out racks of clothes and gift bags.)
Tyra: Ooh! Sexy!
J. Alexander: It’s like St. Patrick’s Day—everyone’s Jewish on Passover!
Tyra: O.K.! O.K.! We’re going to take a break—but when we come back we’re all going to get Jewish for Passover! Are you ready people?
(Audience cheers wildly.)
 |
