blankspace.gif
The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastilly Written & Sloppilly Edited
Syndicate

RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish

Shop
Bea!
Support Submit
Submit
From the Y.P.aRchives Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!) Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies Poetry & Lyric Advice, How To, & Self-Help Listicles Semi-Frequent Columns Letter from the Editors Disquieting Modern Trends Interviews Interviews with Interviewers One-Question Interviews The Book Club Media Gadflies Calendrical Happenings Roasts Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest New & Noteworthy Contributors' Notes Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera The Y.P.aRchives
Creative
Commons License
This journal is licensed under a Creative Commons License and powered by Movable Typo 4.01.
Crockpot!
© MMIII—MMVIII,
Y.P.R. & Co.

Monday, April 14, 2008

How To
Recipe for Disaster

Pete Reynolds

You Will Need:

1 ex-girlfriend
8 Pabst Blue Ribbons
1 boss (or substitute 2 coworkers)
1 gambling addiction
2 cups poison sumac
4 cups self-esteem, minced
Sprig of race riot
Dash of profanity
4 tbsp. methamphetamines
½ quart stump whiskey
2007 New York Mets
1 poor relationship with father
Remaining rent money
1 tranny prostitute
3 cops
1 bottle Night Train Express fortified wine
96 fireworks (assorted)
1 religious war (aged 2000 years)

Instructions:

  1. Preset clock to 1:26 a.m.

  2. Drain eight Pabst Blue Ribbons into your stomach.

  3. In a crowded street festival, combine stump whiskey, gambling addiction, and minced self-esteem. Whisk in ex-girlfriend. Stir vigorously.

  4. Begin boss, poison sumac, and methamphetamines over medium heat until simmering.

  5. In a public bathroom, mix Night Train and tranny prostitute until blacked out. Add boss, poison sumac, and methamphetamines. Cook until shame and judgment evaporate.

  6. Open up poor relationship with father and combine with stump whiskey, gambling addiction, minced self-esteem and ex-girlfriend. Add remaining rent money and three cops. Beat thoroughly.

  7. In a poorly assembled space shuttle, toss Step 5 mixture with a dash of profanity. Add fireworks and religious war, and set to high heat for 20–25 minutes. Do not let cool.

  8. Combine all ingredients in Steps 3–7. Pour into a hydrogen blimp, and garnish with a sprig of race riot.

  9. Add 2007 New York Mets to taste.

  10. Makes enough for Lindsay Lohan, O.J. Simpson, the Pope, and Patient X.

  11. Serve with a side of YouTube.

Pete Reynolds may not always finish what he starts, but he always starts what he finishes. He lives in Maryland, where he actively hates birds and greeting cards.