— Fiction —

I Am an Aspiring Blurb Writer

“HandiVac does it again! This timely treatise on the care and use of the HandiVac 500 simply floored me with its crisp, clear prose, its unambiguous instructions and its thoughtful and boldly lettered concerns for its reader’s safety. Merci beaucoup to the architects of this multilingual masterwork!”

“Not since his 2007 birthday party invitation, has a birthday party invitation shimmered so elegantly and with such self-mocking, colloquial charm! Undaunted by the awkward silence that greeted his previous work, Bob Harris has simply outdone himself. Three cheers for the birthday boy!”

“JamieXX’s e-mail entitled ‘Four out of five men want a bigger penis’ should be required reading in every college classroom in America. With provocative, witty language, she weaves a gripping tale of desire, melancholy, loss, and redemption. Kudos to this prolific author!”

“It’s not often that the grime-ridden walls of Dottie Mae’s Bar and Grill provide a canvas for a true work of genius, but a graffiti scribe whose name appears to be Darren takes another step toward immortality with this breathless declaration of love (for beer and Tammy). Darren’s puckish satire on the complex nature of contemporary relationships will leave you laughing more and more with each reading.”

“This jovial but firmly worded rejection spares its target (an aspiring blurb writer) no pain; in well-measured tones it details the reasons for the submitted work’s ‘unsuitability’ as well as the overall ‘delusional’ nature of said writer’s goals. This searing indictment of unrealistic pursuits everywhere is sure to break the hearts of anyone in the throes of a literary-inspired dream. A job well done.”

“Eviction letters don’t get more direct or tersely composed than this stunning début from EmersonVilla Management. From its friendly (if oddly generic) opening salutation to its jaw-dropping conclusion, I was riveted. As intensely focused as it is unyielding; a true must read.”

“An instant classic of the Dear John genre, this latest offering from Nicole Brookner combines the cold precision of a heart surgeon and a wicked touch not seen since the best work of Nabokov. Brookner takes us on a spectacular ride from the dizzying heights of young love to the heartrending depths of a marriage gone disastrously awry. Fueled by her soon-to-be ex-husband’s bizarre preoccupation with an unattainable career in letters, Brookner’s richly (and, at times, embarrassingly) detailed is a work to be savored (and obsessively parsed) over and over again.”