— Fiction —

Drunk Cat: The Unauthorized Story

Bubbles, cat: I knew Fluffers way before he got famous. We would hang out behind this pizza place and throw up on things, you know, just for fun. He used to be a pretty good guy. He changed.

Andrew Holmes, owner: I just thought it would be funny, dude. Me and Biff were kicking back, drinking a few Nattys, and we were like, “What if we got the cat drunk?” We gave Fluffers one beer and he was looking pretty fucked up, then Biff said, “Let’s give him some Jäger shots!” Ohhh shit! That cat was DRUNK!

Biff Larson, producer: It’s a good thing I had my phone with me, because Bubbles just started doing the most hilarious dance and we were just laughing out asses off. Well, he wasn’t really dancing so much as he was falling over, and we weren’t laughing so much as barely circumventing animal cruelty laws, but it was sick-nasty sweet. Anyway, Fluffers passed out and we put the video up on YouTube. Then we drew a dick on his face.

Chip Hanfield, blogger: “Drunk Cat” broke the Internet in half. In less than a week, it became the most linked site in the blogosphere. Then the media picked it up … When Drunk Cat hit its peak, Fluffers was invited to appear on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Once he hit that milestone, the pressure was just getting huge. Fluffers was famous! And that’s when things started to go downhill.

Conan O’Brien, talk-show host: The interview with Fluffers did not go well. From the moment he pranced out on stage, I could tell that he was incredibly drunk. I thought he was doing it as part of an act, or just to stay loose, but it really affected the interview. He kept batting at my tie or staring off into space, and then he took a dump in Max Weinberg’s drum. It was funny, but I could tell he had a problem.

Andrew Holmes, owner: After Fluffers got famous, he was messed up on something all the time. I wanted to make another video for YouTube—you know, strike while the iron was still hot—but I couldn’t work with him anymore. At this point Drunk Cat wasn’t drinking for the cameras; he was drinking to escape.

Name Withheld, drug dealer: Yeah, I sold coke to Fluffers. I didn’t cut him a deal, though. YouTube or not, you gotta pay to play, you know what I mean? Yeah, he was a good cat. He bought a lot of nose candy.

Bubbles: I was hanging out behind the pizza place one night, just throwing up with some cats, having a good time, when Fluffers showed up, totally out of nowhere. Man, he was in a bad way. I don’t know what he was on, but he just started laying into these other cats. He didn’t even know them! Fur was flying everywhere and he was all like, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Fluffers! I’m the drunk cat!” Nobody cared anymore. Nobody cared.

Chip Hanfield, blogger: The second video, Stoned Cat, was just sad. Who wants to see a stoned cat lying on a couch, breathing heavily and staring at an old episode of South Park? That’s what cats do when they’re sober. A lot of people lost respect for Fluffers when Stoned Cat was released. The comedy wasn’t there anymore. What was there was the small, furry, broken shell of a cat who had burned too brightly and too quickly, a cat who people had come to pity and revile. Just like that, it was all over.

Andrew Holmes, owner: I think Fluffers knew that he had hit bottom when he couldn’t even use his own litter box anymore. You’ve got this cat who never really did much except chase string and throw up, and then he’s a media sensation—I mean, what do you expect? How does someone deal with that gracefully?