— Fiction —

The Acceptance Speech for Best Actor from a Talking Dog Created in a Government Laboratory for Undisclosed Reasons

Oh my God. Ruff! Oh my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Lassie, Old Yeller, Pete the Pup. It’s for the canines that stand beside me, Bingo and Beethoven. And it’s for every nameless, faceless pooch that now has a chance to do more than scoot his butt across the carpet because the doggie door has been installed. Thank you. I’m so honored. I’m so honored. Arf! Arf! I’m so excited. My tail is wagging out of control! And I thank the Academy for choosing me to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow. I know it’s unusual for a more-than-likely soulless creature created by the United States government for undetermined reasons to believe in God, but I really do, and I believe that all dogs go to Heaven. Thank you.

I want to thank my manager, Vincent Hall. He’s been with me for three long dog years—and you fought every fight and you’ve loved me when I’ve been up, but more importantly you’ve loved and taken me outside when I’ve been in all day. You have been a manager, a friend, a provider of bacon, and the only father I’ve ever known. Really. And I love you very much. If you were up here right now I would lick your face and sniff your crotch.

I want to thank the hidden laboratory somewhere in Nevada. You’ve given me the ability to speak and given me the courage to dream, that this dream might be happening and possible for me. I love you, laboratory, so much.

I want to thank my agents—CAA, Josh Huvane especially. I have to thank my agents — Kevin Lieberman, thank you. Thank you for never swatting my nose with the paper. Thank you. I, I, I, who else? I have so many people that I know I need to thank. I need to thank lastly and not leastly, I have to thank Spike Lee for putting me in my very first film as a dog to bark at the white man and believing in me. Cujo for being the best role model any pooch can have. Joel Silver, thank you, you are the Turner to this Hooch, the Jim Belushi to this K-9. And thank you to Air Bud. Thank you so much for being my mentors and believing in me.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Ruff! Ruff!