— Fiction —

Every Single Episode of Two and a Half Men

INT. KITCHEN

(ALAN and JAKE are dressed and eating breakfast. CHARLIE, disheveled, wearing robe, enters and pours himself coffee. He joins them at the table.)

CHARLIE: Sex.

ALAN: Sex?

JAKE: No sex. Pancakes.

(CHARLIE shakes head in dismay at JAKE, then looks at ALAN and grins.)

CHARLIE: Sex. Sex sex sex.

ALAN: Sex sex sex. Always sex sex sex. Why always sex sex sex?

CHARLIE: Why not always sex sex sex? (Pauses, sips coffee.) Sex sex sex sex sex.

ALAN (mocking): ‘Sex sex sex sex sex.’ More to life than sex sex sex sex sex. See me always sex sex sex sex sex?

CHARLIE: You? No. Me? Yes. Me: sex sex sex. You: no sex sex sex.

ALAN: Me sex sex sex on occasion.

(CHARLIE looks at him skeptically.)

ALAN: Me sex sex sex! Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!

(BERTA enters carrying a basket of laundry. She lifts a pair of child-sized boxers.)

BERTA: Poop stains! Jake poop crap toilet.

JAKE: Me no poop crap toilet.

BERTA: Then who poop crap toilet? Charlie? Charlie just sex sex sex.

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex.

BERTA: See? Poop crap toilet is you!

JAKE: All right. Poop crap toilet is me. Poop poop poop.

CHARLIE (challengingly): Sex sex sex.

JAKE: Poop poop poop. Fart fart fart.

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex sex sex.

ALAN: No fart fart fart! No sex sex sex! Me trying to eat!

(They calm down. BERTA walks out.)

JAKE: Burp.

CHARLIE: Burp?

JAKE: Burp burp burp. Fart fart fart.

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex!

JAKE: Fart fart fart! Crap crap crap! Poop poop poop!

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!

(ALAN sighs amid the noise. Sets down fork. Wipes mouth daintily with napkin. Farts.)

End.