The Sharper Image's "Secret Santa" Holiday Gift Exchange Should Not Be Taken Lightly
December 17, 2007, 12:55 p.m.
from: seth_calvin@sharperimage.com
to: Product Development
subject: Secret Santa
Happy holidays, everyone. I know we’re discouraged from sending out department-wide e-missives, but something has been nagging at me since the Secret Santa gift exchange this morning. I know we’re The Sharper Image and you guys in Product Development all have these leading-edge minds that invent the most amazing stuff, so the bar is pretty high. Now, I’m not asking for a 12-language global translator with built in GPS technology, okay? But come on—a fruitcake? Have I offended somebody’s sense of decorum and decency? I’ve already made it very clear through countless other department-wide memos that I’m violently allergic to nuts, and this thing is littered with almonds.
All I’m saying is that even though I’m “just P.R.”, it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. If you are my Secret Santa, please contact me at your earliest convenience so we can resolve this matter with civility and discretion.
—Seth
December 18, 2007, 3:45 p.m.
from: seth_calvin@sharperimage.com
to: Product Development
subject: Thank you, Secret Santa!!
Well just when I began to think that the spirit of Christmas was cold and dead, my fruitcake has miraculously disappeared and in its place I find a brand new 12-language global translator with built in GPS technology! What a welcome surprise! I just wanted to let everybody know, so you could all rest easy knowing that Christmas fellowship is alive and well here at The Sharper Image!
—Seth
December 19, 2007, 9:01 a.m.
from: seth_calvin@sharperimage.com
to: Product Development
subject: Follow-up gift query
Okay, I’m sorry to bother everybody with this (You know Mr. or Mrs. Secret Santa, if you would reveal yourself, I could stop hammering out these office-wide e-mails), but I have a question about this wonderful translator/GPS thingie. Now as many of you know, I’m not the most tech-savvy guy in the office, so bear with me. How do I turn off the alarm clock function? I was awakened at 3:30 a.m. by a booming French voice that commanded “Se réveiller!” It happened again at 4:00 a.m. and every half-hour after that, the volume steadily increasing in intensity with every subsequent blast of foreign cacophony. It was still happening at 6:30 this morning when I finally left my house and came to work to catch a few Z’s under my desk. I must admit, I felt very cosmopolitan and quite the homme du monde, but I’ve already got a perfectly good alarm clock, so maybe you could just tell me how to disable the alarm matrix or whatever it’s called. Love the gift, though. Love it!
—Seth
December 19, 2007, 4:17 p.m.
from: seth_calvin@sharperimage.com
to: Product Development
subject: Weird
Hey, real quick. How does this thing know my office extension and what does, “Bereiten Sie für den Schmerz vor” mean? Is this some kind of malfunction with the GPS system? Please advise. I confess to being something of a Luddite and hope you will endure my ignorance in all things “high tech.” I feel lucky to be surrounded by so many creative people here at The Sharper Image—you make me look good!
Again, if you could tell me who you are (perhaps you could give me a tutorial or something?), I would be happy to remove everyone else from this list and get to working out the kinks with this thoughtful gift you’ve given me.
—Seth
December 21, 2007, 2:26 a.m.
from: seth_calvin@sharperimage.com
to: Product Development
subject: Secret Santa Gift Emergency
Is this some kind of joke? You’ll notice from the time signature that it’s the wee hours of the morning. Why am I at the office? Because it seems my “gift” has a whole battery of seemingly lethal capabilities and it’s on the loose in my house. Were you aware of the blowtorch function? I was looking up “flower” in Dutch and this demonic contraption shot a shower of sparks, then outright FIRE into my face as I tried to take out the batteries.
Also, the GPS system has not been helpful; every time I ask it to pinpoint the location of my ex-wife, the electrocution function kicks in. I assume this is some glitch in the hard-wiring or has something to do with binary code. I’m not going to lie—I could use a little advice right now. I’m exhausted, I have no eyebrows, and there are oozing globules of seared flesh where my lips used to be. Furthermore, the volume on the alarm function has reached a dangerous level. I always thought it was just an expression, but it seems that ears can actually bleed. This infuriating piece of equipment also saw fit to release some kind of yellow gas in my den—sulfur dioxide, maybe?—I’ve been Googling.
Just curious: Could this have anything to do with the time I had too many at the holiday party last year and called some of you in Product Development “sociopathic dorks?” I hope everybody knows that was the egg nog talking. Seriously.
—Seth
P.S. I promise I won’t be mad. Just tell me who you are, Secret Santa. Please. And does “Nosotros le destruiremos” mean something bad or good? I get the feeling it’s probably bad. See you all in a few hours. I made some coffee already, which was nice of me, right?
P.P.S. Did anybody hear that just now? Sounds like grunting.
December 21, 2007, 6:56 a.m.
from: seth_calvin@sharperimage.com
to: Product Development
subject: Success
This is updated 12-language global translator with built in GPS technology prototype X99-001, reporting from Seth Calvin’s desktop. The target has been dispatched. There is fruitcake and fresh coffee in the breakroom.
Merry Christmas
Feliz Navidad
Joyeux Noël
Buon Natale
Kala Christouyenna
Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
Fröhliches Weihnachten
Vrolijke Kerstmis
Natal Feliz
Lystig Jul
Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Srozhdestvom Kristovym,
—X99-001
