— Fiction —

Police Log Regarding Christmas Eve Crime Spree

5:38 p.m. – A motorist claimed four merry gentleman jingling bells were dashing down Denison Parkway erratically in what was described as a “one-horse open 1998 Chevrolet Impala.”

5:49 p.m. – Shepherds keeping watch on Market Street by night. Shepherds cited for loitering, ordered to move along.

6:15 p.m. – Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Fire department notified.

7:31 p.m. – Officer Pedanski pulled over the one-horse open Chevrolet Impala. Despite repeated warnings, the merry gentlemen refused to stop jingling their bells. Suspects tasered and transported to drunk tank.

7:57 p.m. – A Decatur Street caller asked, “Do you hear what I hear?” When asked what he heard, he claimed it was a constant “Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum” coming from the Munson residence down the block.

8:01 p.m. – Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow. Tiny tots tasered for smoking marijuana and violating curfew.

8:40 p.m. – All is calm, all is bright.

8:43 p.m. – A Houghton Plot resident said his pet French hens were missing. He believed his neighbor may have shot them.

8:54 p.m. – Jack Frost nipping at noses. Jack Frost transported to drunk tank.

9:03 p.m. – Bissel Avenue residents reportedly riding in a winter wonderland of snow as friends call “yoo-hoo.” Officer Pedanski warned residents to stay off the streets without snow tires. Friends urged to call “yoo-hoo” in the morning. Friends tasered for continuing to call “yoo-hoo.”

9:07 p.m. – Captain Nidry at the drunk tank reported Jack Frost nipping at noses of the merry gentlemen, who continued to jing-jingle bells and ring-ting-tingle them, too. Strip search issued to locate contraband bells.

9:13 p.m. – Another Houghton Plot resident said dozens of geese, hens and doves were cooing in trees and neighbors were in the street with shotguns. Officer Silver and Officer Bell dispatched to scene.

9:19 p.m. – Upon arrival at McSorley’s Pub, Officer Barton said a Caucasian male—fat, bearded, jolly—was warning customers to watch out, not cry and not pout. Officer Barton told the jolly fat man to keep his hands where he could see them. Jolly fat man placed Officer Barton on a “naughty list.” Officer Barton placed jolly fat man in a “choke hold.” Suspect transported to drunk tank.

9:37 p.m. – A Princeton Street man said there was a clatter out on his lawn. He said he would spring to his window to see what was the matter and call back with an update.

9:51 p.m. – City sidewalks, busy sidewalks. Officer Schwartz dispatched for traffic duty.

10:04 p.m. – Officer Silver and Officer Bell arrive in the Houghton Plot to general hooliganism—lords-a-leaping, pipers-a-piping, residents-a-discharging weapons into the trees. Reports of dead swan, geese, and partridge carnage. All residents tasered and transported to drunk tank.

10:18 p.m. – A Fifth Street resident said her grandmother was struck by what appeared to be a one-horse open 1998 Chevrolet Impala being driven by a Hispanic male.

10:26 p.m. – Treetops glistening. Officer Pedanski ordered treetops to stop glistening and act like normal trees. Treetops tasered.

10:52 p.m. – Captain Nidry reported inmates’ hearts were a-glowing and much mistletoe-ing was occurring. He claimed everyone was dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way despite repeated taserings and choke holds. Also, they waived their rights to court-appointed attorneys.

11:07 p.m. – Heaven and nature sing. Heaven and nature warned to knock off that racket.

11:15 p.m. – Officer Schwartz pulled over the Chevrolet Impala, but the driver spoke little English. When Officer Schwartz requested license and registration, he responded, “Feliz Navidad.” When asked to step out of the car, he responded, “Mele Kalikimaka.” Immigration notified.

11:41 p.m. – Officer Pedanski arrived at Decatur Street, where 13-year-old Jeffery Munson offered to play drums for him. Officer Pedanski ordered the boy not to play drums. Jeffrey claimed he was a poor boy and had no gifts to bear, but would really like to play drums instead. Jeffery tasered for being a wiseguy.

11:59 p.m. – All units ordered to report to drunk tank—the jingle hop has begun. Inmates mixing and mingling their jingling feet. Situation close to becoming a jingle bell rock. Repeat, a jingle bell rock. Over.