The Five Other People You Meet in Heaven
Clarence: A former small-arms dealer from Queens. He seems like a nice enough guy, but it’s hard to get past the fact he’s wearing a Big Van Vader wrestling mask. He says he’s been waiting for you, but it’s pretty clear he’s just saying that to be nice.
Sven: You only kind of meet him in passing, but he seems vaguely Swedish, drunk and emotionally volatile. Eventually you realize that Sven is most likely a dog, which explains why he bites you in the groin every time you ask him if your life had any meaning.
Leah: An ebullient sort, she is fond of singing “Mon coeur s’ouvre à ta voix” to you. Unfortunately, she does it incessantly and through a robotic voice box. You have a strong sense that Leah may hold the key to unlocking the mysteries of your past, but after a few days, it’s pretty clear that it’s just the key to the unisex bathroom.
Joe: He’s moody, mysterious, and at first you thought he was a chick. You convince yourself it’s just the long, blond ponytail, but it’s hard to get around that goatee. When you ask him if perhaps you spent your entire life living a lie, he shrugs his shoulders and hands you an egg salad sandwich on wheat with a lukewarm Tab.
Jesus: No, no. It’s Jesús, that guy who sat next to you on jury duty. It’s kind of a drag because technically you’ve already met him before. You feel cheated, as if you’re still (and always will be) in the dark over what it all means—although on Wednesdays (or is it Thursdays?) he makes a wicked Huachinango a la Veracruzana.
Hollywood spends billions and billions of dollars on Nicolas Cage movies every year. Half the time these movies come out with some craaaazy mistakes in them.
You’re In My Heart
Can you discern the classic sitcom plots from the noted linguist’s views? Take this quiz.
“Is that it?” He screamed at me. “You had enough?”
Next up is the use of simile and metaphor. These are what car-bombs are to terrorists. Without them, you’re nothing more than an angry person with too much religion stewing in their bottom who can’t afford a rocket launcher. See how I did that? I compared the terrorist with the poet.
Thirty-five years after it topped the charts, we take a look back at this enigmatic and influential hit with some of the biggest names in rock.
The Pulitzer Prize-winning author extols the virtues of the Novel Writer Pro 2007.
Both had to struggle to present a favorable public image. Both had a ravenous personal hunger. Neither ever looked quite comfortable on TV, having a tendency to glance around furtively, and neither fully attained mastery over his own darker side.
I’m standing in line at the convenience store the other day when I notice someone staring at me. I’m immediately consumed by righteous anger, and grab for the garrote wire and fillet knife I always carry in a sling around my neck. Just as I’m about to put an end to this nosy fucker’s busy, intrusive life, I notice she’s a she, and very hot. I mean hot, like hot enough to make you want to slice off your ear and mail it to her. Well, maybe not that hot. Someone else’s ear then …
Oh. My. God. Perhaps the worst-tasting thing I’ve ever put into my mouth, on purpose or otherwise …
Presenting one last round-up of Magic and Muggle parodies from Y.P.R.’s past.
I see you like Cream of Corn, which reminds me of a dream I had last night. Let’s just say there was a lot of cream of corn everywhere. I will take your can of corn and buy it. I will go in the express lane and buy it really fast. I will leave the grocery store and you will see me drive off in my Mercedes Benz. Within a day or two I’ll be back. I’ll ask you on a date. I’ll touch your buttocks. I’ll punch your face in.
Barack Obama (D-IL) explained romance for CNN viewers. “You love a woman the same way you grill a burger, Wolf. Till the juices run clear. Love her till the juices run clear.”
In September of 2006 we proudly announced the creation of our new film and TV division, FoxFaith. Created to meet America’s rapidly growing demand for Christian-themed entertainment, FoxFaith is one of the most exciting recent additions to the 20th Century Fox family. With FoxFaith we aim to bring Hollywood-quality Christian entertainment to all demographics and all ages. FoxFaith will soon begin releasing feature movies, and without further adieu, here is what Faithful filmgoers have to look forward to in 2008 …
This week, 
With Michael Bay’s take on the Transformers toy line almost certain to prove a summer smash, Hollywood has lined up a slew of blockbusters to cash in on the nostalgia for other bygone toys. Cultural critics Rottman and Szpirglas have screened advance copies of the latest projects coming soon to a theatre and Toys ‘R’ Us near you.
—Twenty-nine years old, and Michael was still woefully inexperienced in the ways of love, having never caressed a woman’s fully functioning pancreas …
“Shia LaBeouf … has signed to co-star alongside Harrison Ford in the fourth Indiana Jones movie … Online fans are guessing Indiana Jones will have a son for this go-round, but LaBeouf says he can’t confirm such plot points.” —USA Today
In this rare and illuminating look into the creative process of legendary soundtrack composer Ennio Morricone, exclusive excerpts from his work diary reveal the sublime genius of Il Maestro as he undertakes his most unusual and challenging project to date: composing a musical score to accompany the daily life of Phil Andersen, C.P.A.
Becoming good at pool is a bit like taking a trip to a remote monastery somewhere in northern China. Not only does it take a lot of dedication, but let’s face it—you won’t be meeting any women for a while. You’ll have to get used to the touch of a man’s delicate flesh. And what better kind of manflesh is there than my pink, pudgy fingers gliding over this keyboard, typing a strategy out for winning at the ultimate American game?
1. Whatever you do, stay calm. If you need to gird yourself with an affirmation, try screaming “STAY CALM” at top volume …
Good afternoon. Of course, I realize that you could be reading this at any time of the day, but I’m wagering that it is indeed afternoon. If I’m wrong, so be it, but I’m the kind of person who always takes a firm stand on things, starting with the bold assertion of the introductory sentence. This sort of take-the-reigns, stand-your-ground, believe-in-yourself attitude is the first of many things that I think you will like about me, probably.
You wake up. 
The following comments have been taken from the 360-degree peer review for Jack Bauer [Employee #22132] at Store 332, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. We provide these comments to you purely in the interest of self-improvement. You are a valuable part of the Applebee’s team, and we hope you can use this feedback from your fellow employees to continue to make Applebee’s America’s neighborhood restaurant.
Dear Governor Schwarzenegger, 
Kim: Wow! What a room!
Thomas Pynchon has written a new novel and everybody cares because it is big. Here are some tips for reading it: 
GRAPHIC: Fly-over of game’s 3D-rendered British countryside. Hills give way to valleys, rivers to glens. View settles on bustling 18th-century English town. Townsfolk walk and mingle. Slow zoom.
See the past come out and say, “Hey … what’s up?” at Colonial Williamsburg, Brooklyn!* Here are just some of the too-cool-for-the-museum attractions …
Unrequited Love from Y.P.R.’s Past
It was Angie’s first day at the hippest fashion magazine in the city. She stood outside her boss’s door, waiting for the courage to knock. Her U.C.L.A. friends said she was wasting her time working for a mag, but Angie knew better. They were just a bunch of bitchy dykes bent on dragging her down. Filthy whores living in their cotton-pressed hell …
In an effort to protect our nation’s youth and empower them with knowledge, the C.D.C. sought the perfect spokeswomen to reach these young girls before they came to harm. The Disney Princesses were the only logical choice.
In the middle of what was proving to be an impossibly crappy day, a friend at work and I decided to reach out for some comfort food – chicken gyro platters. As we chatted, he mentioned he had seen perhaps the most atrocious Broadway display of all time the previous evening. This of course was also coming from a true buff of the theater. Intrigued as I was, I begged, “do tell!” Tell he did. Here’s his review of the new play “
Photographic documentation of a Pabst delivery to the Pulitzer Prize offices.
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Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron’s estate sale.Mark well my weapon finger, good my men,
You are repressed, but you’re remarkably dressed. Is it real? And you’re always busy, really busy, busy, busy. The rain falls hard on a humdrum town; this town has dragged you down …
My friend, we are in a cave. A very deep and profound darkness is all we can see.
Some spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, split-second, ad-lib snap judgments regarding 
In which Y.P.R. covers the Republican invasion of its home town.
In which Y.P.R. hosts a communal Roast of the erstwhile Gawker editor. Roasters hail from throughout the blogosphere.
: Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?
In which Y.P.R. hosts a communal Roast of the 
In which Y.P.R. scares the bejesus out of you.
In which Y.P.R. resorts to the milking of outdated, hackneyed stereotypes to exploit America’s love/hate relationship with France.
In which Y.P.R. presents public addresses from some of the candidates of the 2003 California Recall Election Free-for-All.
In which one can enjoy a fifth of May, con queso. ¡Caliente!