Wednesday, July 18, 2007 |
— Fiction —
Too Stupid to be President
Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani, posing with a crab in a jar of beer, said, “It’s name is Hector. Hector says I can win. Hector will be my FEMA head, won’t you, Hector?”
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In a film clip downloadable on C-Span, John Edwards is shown at his desk handling a stack of charts and graphs. Asked by an interviewer what he is working on, Edwards puts on a big smile and drawls, “Near as I can figure, I’m my own grandpa.”
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Joe Biden (D-DE) was stumping at a small civic center in central Ohio. A bearded Amish man in overalls entered the hall, leaving the door wide open. Biden, feeling a draft at the podium, snapped, “Hey, Yoder, were you raised in a barn?”
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Looking like an overstuffed Huck Finn, former vice president Al Gore sat on the bank of a river in Tennessee, dangling his bare legs in the water and chomping on a Moon Pie. Suddenly he threw back his straw-hatted head and sang, “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay, Global Warming is headin’ my way, Snowstorms in Baghdad, Hurricanes in Bombay, Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay.”
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Hefting a child’s plastic mallet, John McCain (R-AZ) said, “I was not only mislead on Iraq. I was mislead on Whack-A-Mole. The game’s much harder than it looks. I’m nine hits for fifty-seven misses, and I’m just as bad at the video version. Who’s up for a round of Corn Hole?”
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Hillary Clinton (D-NY) can’t get the Supremes’ hit “Baby Love” out of her head. “Baby love, oh my baby love, I want you by my side, I need you by my side” she sang on the Senate floor when she was supposed to be grilling Defense Secretary Robert Gates about his Iraq policy.
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On YouTube, you can watch George Allen, a former Republican senator from Virginia, call a Native American “Squanto” and a Muslim American “Punjab.” You can also see him call a rabbi “Nikita” and a priest “Magellan,” and refer to a Hindu as “Fort Knox” and to a woman of color as a “yacht.” All this was before “Mecaca” doomed him in his 2006 senate race. Mercifully, Allen himself has realized his stupidity and will not run for president in 2008.
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Russ Feingold (D-WI) recently testified on the Senate Subcommittee on Stem Cell Research: “Two Iranian scientists were talking. One said, ‘Today I cloned an anti-Semite’ … No wait, it was two Israeli scientists talking, and one said, ‘I just cloned Ariel Sharon’ … No, no. Anyway, the clone gets a job teaching college in America.”
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Barack Obama (D-IL) explained romance for CNN viewers. “You love a woman the same way you grill a burger, Wolf. Till the juices run clear. Love her till the juices run clear.”
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At a nationally televised news conference, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney couldn’t help from playing the Name Game with himself: “Mitt Mitt Bo Bit, Banana Fana Fo Fit, Fee Fi Fo Mitt. Mitt,” he intoned. It’s clear that this simp got locked out of his home one cold winter night and suffered irreversible brain damage.
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Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) was caught during a station break on Hardball combing his acrylic-like white hair. He didn’t say anything, only held up a pocket mirror and combed and re-combed the white blob over his puffy face until he looked like a calcified prostate.
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Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked what he found most enjoyable at the Iowa State Fair: “Wait while I roll up my shirtsleeves, and then I’ll put the lipstick on that little piggie.”
