— Fiction —

Safeway

Canned Soup
I see you like Cream of Corn, which reminds me of a dream I had last night. Let’s just say there was a lot of cream of corn everywhere. I will take your can of corn and buy it. I will go in the express lane and buy it really fast. I will leave the grocery store and you will see me drive off in my Mercedes Benz. Within a day or two I’ll be back. I’ll ask you on a date. I’ll touch your buttocks. I’ll punch your face in.

Canned Soup
You must come here after work every day for your Cream of Corn. You must like that, which reminds me of a VHS tape I used to watch where the actor and the actress are having sex on a down sofa. The actor’s one notable characteristic is his tendency for profuse emissions. He’s hitting her buttocks and keeps on asking her “You like that, huh?” You seem like the kind of woman who owns a down sofa—a thousand geese keeping you two and a half feet from the floor, good job. I could come over and ask you those words. Would you like that, huh?

Hair & Style
You’re getting Clairol Balsam (Golden Blonde 603G, Level 3) for your hair, blinding yellow like piss and hay. You’ll go to the park with your boyfriend this weekend. I’ll be spread out on an old sheet. When my sheets get spotted, instead of doing the laundry, I use them as blankets for the park. You understand? You are sun-tanning your back and have removed the strap from your bra. You are not fond of tan lines nor am I. I will go to the hot-dog man and buy a hot dog. I will remind you of hot dogs and you will want one. I’ll touch your back with my hot dog. I’ll get a bird to crap in your hair.

Frozen Foods
You tell your boyfriend about this guy at Safeway who was looking at you funny and he tells you to shut up. Ha! I’m handling a bag of peas. I’m touching the sack. I’ll buy some sweet corn and make some cream of corn myself. Ha! He tells you to shut up! You break up with him and rent a lot of movies. By the time we meet for real, you will have taken lap dance lessons and thoroughly exceeded in it. One night you will perform a lap dance. My pants will be off and it will become quite apparent that I like that.

Pharmacy
O.K., I’ll get some condoms, relax. I’ll put one on tonight to practice, suffocate the ol’ baby seal. I’ll go through the express lane and be home in 10 minutes. I’ll take off my pants on the welcome mat inside my apartment. I’ll go to the bathroom, let one out, full-bodied yet ultra smooth. I’ll open a bottle of Pinot. I’ll eat table crackers with pate, goat cheese, and parsley. I’ll rub my hands fiercely where my legs meet my scrotum and smell my hands. I’ll open the windows and the cool evening air will come in. I’ll close my eyes and be with myself.

Produce
Is that a zucchini you’re holding? Feeling romantic I suppose, otherwise a cucumber might be more fitting. Ha! The butternut squashes are on sale too. Can you handle that? You would like that huh? I’ll touch your buttocks. I’ll grab your hair. I’ll crap on your face.