Fiction

A Glimpse into the Troubled Stream of Consciousness of Henry Purvis, 37, Also Known in World of Warcraft as Torvak Redhammer, 67th-Level Warrior Dwarf

You wake up.

You consume a Half-Full Can of Dr. Pepper to restore 4 Hit Points.

You scratch Crotch of Disuse.

You equip Jeans of Girth.

You equip T-shirt of Yesterday +1.

You consume a Banana to restore 3 Hit Points.

You consume a Twinkie of Staleness to restore 3 Hit Points.

You consume a Camel Light to restore 4 Hit Points.

You open the Apartment Door.

You encounter a College Co-Ed on the stairs.

You cast Nervous Smile. Spell fails!

You cast Mumble. Spell succeeds!

College Co-Ed casts Avoid Eye Contact for +3 Defense.

College Co-Ed casts Haste.

College Co-Ed successfully Flees.

You are leaving University Arms Apartments.

You have arrived at the Bus Stop.

You encounter Passing Teenagers.

You are attacked by Passing Teenagers!

Passing Teenagers cast Jeer for 13 Hit Points!

Passing Teenagers cast Jeer for 10 Hit Points!

You cannot Flee here.

You cast Ignore. Spell succeeds!

You consume a Chunky to restore 8 Hit Points.

You enter the Charleston Avenue Bus of Teleport.

You encounter an Impatient Bus Driver.

You are attacked by Impatient Bus Driver!

Impatient Bus Driver casts Fiery Demand for Exact Change for 12 Hit Points!

Impatient Bus Driver casts Frost Gaze for 7 Hit Points!

You cannot barter with a Milky Way.

You cannot barter with a Milky Way.

Impatient Bus Driver retreats.

You take the Bus of Teleport to Kinko’s.

You have arrived at Kinko’s.

You encounter Band of Snickering Co-Workers.

You cast Thin Pretense of Glum Superiority. Spell fails!

You cannot Flee here.

You cast Ignore. Spell succeeds!

You encounter Store Manager Carl Drecker.

You are attacked by Store Manager Carl Drecker!

Store Manager Carl Drecker attacks with Tardiness Complaint of Withering for 9 Hit Points!

Store Manager Carl Drecker attacks with Second Warning of Inappropriate Workplace Behavior for 14 Hit Points!

You cast Shopworn Excuse of Late Bus. Spell fails!

You cannot Flee here.

You equip Pleading Look of Desperation +3.

Store Manager Carl Drecker retreats.

You equip Blue Apron of Morale -10.

You equip Clip-On Tie of Morale -15.

You encounter an Angry Yuppie.

You are attacked by Angry Yuppie!

Angry Yuppie attacks with Uncollated Business Reports for 15 Points!

Angry Yuppie attacks with Accusation of Wrong Page Order for 11 Hit Points!

Angry Yuppie attacks with Demand for Refund but misses!

You cannot Flee here.

You cast Fumbling Excuse. Spell succeeds!

Angry Yuppie retreats.

You are leaving Kinko’s.

You have arrived in the Employee Lounge.

You consume a Can of Dr. Pepper to restore 5 Hit Points.

You consume a Cookie of Otis Spunkmeyer of Chocolate +4 to restore 8 Hit Points.

You have arrived at Kinko’s.

You encounter Store Manager Carl Drecker and Angry Yuppie.

You are attacked by Store Manager Carl Drecker!

Store Manager Carl Drecker casts Stern Warning for 4 Hit Points!

Store Manager Carl Drecker casts Grave Concerns for 11 Hit Points!

You are attacked by Angry Yuppie!

Angry Yuppie casts Howling Threat to Take Business Elsewhere of Seriousness for 5 Hit Points!

Store Manager Carl Drecker lands a Critical Hit with Withering Gaze of Disappointment for 32 Hit Points!

Store Manager Carl Drecker retreats.

Angry Yuppie retreats.

You are leaving Kinko’s.

You have entered the Parking Lot.

You consume a Camel Light to restore 7 Hit Points.

You cannot Flee here.

You cannot Flee here.

You cannot Flee here.