When I Am King, Reality TV Will Show Some Backbone
Bayern Chef
After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married in Munich. My boss arrives in Ansbach where he is met by the sultry supermodel who promptly handcuffs him and places him in the custody of Klaus Wagman and Uder Stangenberg, two of Germany’s most notorious cannibals. The two cannibals return to the farm, or “Der Scheune,” for the cook=off. As tension escalates, the narrative finds me, under royal command, in the Black Forest with Heidi Klum, having sex. The action returns to Munich, and a fever-pitched culinary contest. Uder edges out Klaus in a ferocious battle that sees Uder’s grilled Mr. Landry with green garlic butter, kabocha squash cake and mâche salad edge out Klaus’s daring, but careless, Mr. Landry à la nage with celery and lemon confit.
I’m From Juggs
An ambitious and annoyingly attractive twentysomething circa 1999 has been brought to the present in the imperial time machine to conduct interviews with buxom models in the hope of landing a reporter position at Juggs magazine. The contestant struggles to make deadlines to no avail, for every time he tries to make a journalistic inroad and interview the subject, she and I are engaged in deviant sex acts. How does it feel now, Nathan? You like watching me get all the girls now? I’ll bet it feels pretty darn lousy having to watch that. No, I don’t think you’ll make the cut. You’re just not Juggs material. Maybe we can fit you in at Douchebags: The Magazine of Tyler’s Ex-Roomates. Also, one time when I was drunk, I peed on your football pads.
6 Weeks
Ten contestants chosen from my wife’s family reunion are notified that they have been accepted to compete in a reality show in which the winner will be crowned the new king. First, however, they must take a physical for insurance reasons. Upon completing the physical, they are each told that they have a mere six weeks to live. Hilarity ensues when my in-laws sink into depression, travel to Port-au-Prince for voodoo “miracle cures” and write maudlin odes to “life.” Ideally, the contestants’ morale collapses and they each take a nosedive off a municipal building. As a precaution, we also put poisonous hydras in the fountain in front of the building (not unlike a moat). If the contestant’s morale doesn’t collapse by the end of the episode, don’t worry—there are tons more poisonous hydras placed strategically throughout their homes.
Pet Swap
This nail-biter takes the viewer into the intimate heart of the American pet-owner, revealing the extraordinarily different ways in which my ex-girlfriends deal with owning a wild dragon. That’s right, Mellissa. I’ll take Ginger (who I picked out at the S.P.C.A. by myself, cared for, and took to the vet even though you said, “sometimes dogs just turn green and go quiet for a week”) and you take this wild, angry dragon who I’ve trained to blow fire on anybody in my kingdom who I don’t like, and especially people who have banged my best friend in the back of his Saab when we were at prom. Oh no, Maggie. You too. Hand over Bubbles and take my other fierce dragon who hates you. It’s not my problem where to put a wild dragon. You’ll probably be on fire in half an hour, anyway. What? I’ll put Bubbles in the moat. Where the hell else am I supposed to put a god-damned tetra fish? I don’t know if it’s salt water? It’s just not a thing a king needs to know, O.K.? You know what? Shut up and take this dragon.
My Flavorite Year
You know what I’ve always wanted to see? Enough of this affected “Average Joe” nonsense. Show some backbone! I want former Public Enemy hype-man Flavor Flav in a phat crib with 20 bodacious hoes vying for his love. Now that’s the kind of show that … huh? Really? With Flavor Flav? Flavor of Love, you say? No kidding? Well damn.