— Listicles —

Ways in Which Tom Cruise Is Like Jesus Christ

Ways in Which Tom Cruise Is Like Jesus Christ

1. Stereotypically Semitic facial features.
2. Low body fat.
3. Great with fans.
4. Has ambiguous, controversial relations with women.
5. Reads from right to left (Tom is dyslexic; Jesus is Hebrew.)
6. “Cruise” and “Christ”, each six-lettered surnames, attain the status of knighthood when considered anagrammatically: “Sir Cue,” “Sir THC”. Furthermore, each knight’s respective anagram reflects aspects of his life’s role: Christ, or Sir THC, much like the active ingredient in marijuana, offered an altered mystical reality for millions, and caused many of his advocates to run afoul of local government officials. Cruise, or Sir Cue, an actor, a living puppet, “springs to action” when ordered to do so by directors, Scientology leaders, and certain “tops,” but not so much when bossed around by his publicist sister.
7. Abandoned by his father (in Jesus’ case, twice!), and grew up in poverty because his mother couldn’t collect child support

Ways in Which Jesus Is Like Tom Cruise

1. Real name was Jesus Joseph Mapother of Bethlehem IV.
2. Is believed to be, at least semi-biologically, of alien origin.
3. For a short time in his twenties when he was between rabbinical schools and “kind of lost,” Jesus followed the teachings of one El Rhan Chbor.

One Difference

1. When Satan in the desert offered him the world on a platter, Tom Cruise apparently took the bait.