— Fiction —

Bastards of the Universe

Shown briefly by Mattel at the 1988 International Toy Fair, this last-gasp line of Masters of the Universe action figures was almost immediately withdrawn from the market.

Lipitor
Evil Master of Cholesterol!
With his Smorgasbord of Fatty Snacks, he encourages the gradual accumulation of arterial plaques that may stop He-Man in his tracks, eventually, especially if he were to abandon his daily regimen of strenuous exercise.

Skankor
Morally Flexible Mistress of the Crack-Whore Dimension!
You know something weird? She used to be really close with Teela and She-Ra in high school. Choices, man.

Placentor
Heroic Master of Nothing!
Tiny newborn infant warrior cries, urinates, defecates, contributes little of value to He-Man’s heroic adventures. Included full-color comic suggests various means of leaving Placentor where he might accidentally be kidnapped by Skeletor, rolled over by Rokkon, or eaten by Beast-Man.

She-Man
Heroic Master/Mistress of Disguise!
Boosts team morale with his fabulous Tribute to Carol Channing act, every Wednesday at the Castle Grayskull Luau Lounge. Secretly sleeping with Prince Adam, much to He-Man’s bewilderment and frustration as his T-cell count mysteriously continues to drop.

Arms-And-The-Man-Of-La-Mancha
Heroic Old Fart!
Effete, bearded, aging chivalric warrior pronounces floridly upon the mighty deeds of He-Man and his friends ad nauseam. In rhyme. WARNING: Do not press “Try Me” button.

Whordat
Evil Master of the Red Light Zone!
Seeks to use his Biyatch Army to disable He-Man and friends with running genital sores, and make some monAY at the same time, yo.

Zonkor
Heroic Zen Master of Weed!
Stonedar’s advice-dispensing cousin is, like, deeply in tune with the Universe, even though his Citadel of Wisdom is just a closet in his mom’s basement. Comes with High-Hookah grappling water pipe.

Mekadick
Evil Master of Cockmastery!
Robotic hybrid of Mekaneck and Extendar gets all the fine women.

Porko
Heroic Master of Mystical Overeating!
In theory, more useful and less smelly than Placentor. But it’s a close call.

Pozor
Evil Master of Bullshit!
Claims to be an illegitimate son of King Randor and heir to the throne, based on a secret code embedded within a cryptic painting rendered as an obscene tattoo on his hairy ass. Also claims code can only be examined and deciphered by Teela and a thin layer of cocoa butter.

Spout-Champ
Evil Master of the Money Shot!
Genetically engineered offspring of borderline-pornoriffic M.O.T.U. characters Clamp Champ and Snout Spout, with unique powers best left to the imagination.

Boss-Man
Market-Driven Master of Commerce!
Armed with Sales-Spreadsheet, Briefcase, and Focus-Grouper, impeccably-tailored Boss-Man controls the destinies of He-Man, Skeletor and all of Eternia! Will he give them another year of precious retail promotion? Or decide that the kids are finally done with this He-Man shit?