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Christmas Correspondence Between Advice Columnist “Mother Wisdom” and a Disgruntled Reader

Dear Mother Wisdom,

I write in response to your column “Moishe in the Manger?” in which a woman who was bringing her Jewish boyfriend home for Christmas sought your help. You advised that “explaining the Virgin Birth might be easier than explaining some of your family’s kooky traditions.” As a Jew with a Christian girlfriend, I feel compelled to point out that Jews don’t need gentiles to explain the Virgin Birth. We know all about it and all the other major aspects of Christmas because we live in America. That knowledge is unavoidable. Would you seek to explain what that tiny baby barn is doing on the front lawn or why having a shiny red nose is so useful for a reindeer? I happen to be meeting my girlfriend’s family for the first time this Christmas and I pray (Jews do this too, actually) that no one in her family is as clueless and patronizing as you.

Sincerely,
Boiling Matzoh Ball

Dear B.M.B.,

I’m sorry you took such offense to my column. I suppose it’s true that we gentiles sometimes wrongly assume that Jews know as little about our religion as we do about Judaism. In any event, the point of my article was really more about brotherly love and acceptance—which you might not know about, but I wouldn’t want to offend you by explaining.

Happy Holidays!

Mother Wisdom

P.S. And while you may be very knowledgeable, you shouldn’t assume you know everything.

Dear Mother Wisdom,

I owe you an apology. Last week, I visited my girlfriend’s family for Christmas, and, apparently, I do have a lot to learn. Yes, I knew about the Immaculate Conception and the Three Wise Men, but there are some aspects of the holiday that really caught me by surprise. What was that five-sided pentagram for? At first, I thought it might have something to do with the Holy Trinity. Y’know, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, but then I counted. There were definitely five points. And while I was expecting some Christmas fruitcake, I was surprised by all that blood. I think it was goat’s blood, because the “yuletide goblets” had finely detailed images of horned beasts copulating. Is that in the Gospels or is that more of a cultural development like the Easter Bunny and the elf who wants to be a dentist? In any event, turns out you’re right. I don’t know everything. Apparently, I was even wrong about the right way to hang a cross. Anyway, if it’s not too late, I’d like to pass along a little Christmas blessing I just learned: “May you bleed from your eyes as you service our dark master.”

Sincerely,
Matzoh Ball with a Lot to Learn

Dear M.B.L.,

Not to be a doubting Thomas, but I think you might be putting me on. Still, I have to be a good Samaritan and do my part when a soul is in jeopardy. I must warn you that it sounds like your girlfriend’s family are not Christians, but Satanists. They are the opposite of Christians and they worship an antichrist!

Stay safe,
Mother Wisdom

P.S. At the risk of you taking offense, I’ve included some Wikipedia links to help you with your Jesus-speak:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubting_Thomas
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_samaritan

Dear Mother Wisdom,

So is Satanism a different sect of Christianity like Mormonism or Seventh Day Adventists or something? Forgive me. I’m so clueless.

Sincerely,
Matzoh Ball with a Lot to Learn

Dear M.B.L.,

No! Satanists are in league with the devil! They are not Christians. It’s sounds like you participated in a dark Satanic ritual—not a celebration of the virginal birth of our savior.

Dear Mother Wisdom,

Then why was everyone eating babies?

Dear M.B.L.,

I don’t find the parody of my faith amusing. Either you are making this up or those people are Satanic monsters, in which case, I can’t imagine why you’d want to date their daughter.

Stop your teasing or if it’s not teasing, repent.

Mother Wisdom

P.S. Either way, I will pray for you.

Dear Mother Wisdom

You were right again. The relationship didn’t work out. Evilina broke up with me the other day. Although I was willing to accommodate her Christian practice of virginal sexual sacrifice on each full moon, she just couldn’t get past some of my Jewish customs. In particular, she insisted that there were nine nights of Hanukkah, and refused to accept that the tall candle used to light the others (the Shamash) doesn’t count as one of the nights.

Thanks for all your advice.

Sincerely,
Wiser Matzoh Ball Looking for Love

P.S. As an observant Christian, I was wondering if you had any tips on how to remove sacrificial stains from a cotton sweater?