A Moral Pharmacist

My moral values compelled me to pharmacy school and to open Corinthian Drugs. It is our mission to provide everything you need in a potential emergency (splints, Redvines, tweezers, moleskins, hair care product, trout bait) at the lowest prices.

Your pharmacy is here to be that helping hand in the dark. Everyone’s been in that tense situation, alone, with nobody else to turn to, and Corinthian Drugs wants to show you where the light switch is. Say you’ve forgotten Mom’s birthday: We have family-friendly greeting cards featuring that crackup photograph of the guilty-looking dog who licked the frosting off the birthday cake.

My customers have the right to choose, which is why you won’t find generic items in Corinthian Drugs, no, only name brands that you can trust whose sales reps have taken me out to dinner. Nobody knows who makes these generics. In their austere packaging they look like they might be Soviet. Can they be trusted if they don’t take out full-page ads in the Sunday paper?

I would not sell cigarettes if I didn’t have to, but the same God that directed me to open Corinthian Drugs inspired Samway Drugs down the block, and they were killing us with cigarette sales. Plus the margins are so very, very good.

In my pharmacy, we submit to a higher power, which is why I stand above you on an elevated stage, looking down on the customers. Do you want to know what I’m doing up there? It’s between me and my surveillance camera.

The Bible clearly says, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Because of state law, I cannot sell fruits, but I can sell any other items to allow my customers to multiply: soda, pork rinds, chips, and candy. We also provide convenient diabetes tests (only $19.95 per) for any customers who have multiplied too much.

We have the largest selection of vitamins, homeopathic treatments and dietary supplements, including that new Hoodia. These items are completely unregulated like our economy, and we believe the free hand of the customer should guide them to whatever root or flower they believe might help cure their migraines, lose weight or help them pass a drug test. It gives me great pride that nobody has had occasion to call Poison Control after an experience products sold at Corinthian Drugs.

There are certain items I will never sell to my customers. It is my moral duty to keep the following items out of my store: armor-piercing bullets and strychnine. We will also make every attempt to keep most ingredients for methamphetamine off our shelves, although we will continue to sell fertilizer as a tribute to the family farmer.

There has been a great controversy over family planning, but I fully support that. We supply calendars depicting a typical menstrual cycle with a smiley infant depicting ovulation, as well as helpful reminders in the gift-card section for those impatient mothers-in-law. As a mood enhancer we provide the greatest in adult entertainment right next to the beer and wine.

There is one thing I will not sell, and that is pharmaceuticals. Prescription drugs create dependencies that rend the moral fiber at this country (which you can perhaps cure if you try our Cream of Wheat) and create addicts. My moral compass tells me that you can run a drug store without being a pusher. I didn’t go to pharmacy school to turn my customers into drug addicts. I went to pharmacy school to put those fuckers at Samway Drugs out of business.