— Fiction —

Phil Keoghan Shakes Things Up at the Mat

Diane and Sean, you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you that you’ve been eliminated from The Amazing Race. Unless, of course, you happened to bring me the hide of the fabled bronze mountain goat, so prized by the impotent men of the Kyrgyz? No? Then sorry.

Brendan and Rachel, you’re the ugliest team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been edited out of The Amazing Race.

Drew and Crystal, you’re the last team to arrive. However, I’m pleased to tell you that this is a non-elimination leg. I bet you’re happy about that. So now I’m going to have to ask you to leave all your possessions and all your money on the mat. And the organ of your choice. Let’s go, into the cooler with it. A kidney is fine. Drew, you might need your liver. You’re sure? Crystal, your man really enjoys a challenge, doesn’t he?

Shelly and Emily, you started the leg in first place. But you know how the Bible says that the first shall be last and the last shall be first? Oh. Then, uh, do you know what happens when you come in first on Opposite Day? No. No, you don’t come in second. All right, this oil represents you and this water represents not getting eliminated. See how they …? Yes. Ahh, there are those tears.

Karen and Kim, you were given an envelope at the beginning of the leg. Did you bring it with you? Good. I’m pleased to tell you that Travelocity has provided an Alaskan cruise to be enjoyed after the race by whichever of you can successfully argue why the other one fucked up more. And … go.

Carl and Trevor, you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you that you’ve been eliminated from the race. Now I know you guys had your problems. But I look at the two of you and I don’t see two losers. I see the first heroin addicts to make it this far in the race. Trevor, stand up, you’re out of frame.

Chuck and Harry … had a cousin Larry / in five days from now he’s gonna marry / You guys are last and so you lose / and what comes next, just bust a move. Hahahahahaha! WHOO! I’ve been waiting to use that one since Jakarta.

Nadine and Jorge, you’re the last team to arrive. Aaaaand … take it, Mahmut. Tell them. (Pause.) My Turkish friend here would like to say something. Come on, say it. He does it so adorably, just wait. Say it, Mahmut. No, not “Welcome to Ankara,” the other thing. “You have been …” Come on! Mahmut! Christ.

Tori and Matt, there’s a pit stop in my pants and you just got the Fast Forward.

Daryl and John, I just want to say one thing. You’ve been a real inspiration. You know, I was there when you played in Melbourne, that one show. I guess you wouldn’t remember me, I was up on my friend’s shoulders, I had on this striped T-shirt and, heh, I was screaming pretty loud. Well, I know this is crazy, but … I could have sworn you were looking at me during “Private Eyes.” Right at me. Right into that place where nobody is allowed to look. For once, I didn’t feel I had to close myself off. It seemed to last an hour, that song. God, my life since that night … (Pause.) Anyway, I’m sorry to tell you you’ve been eliminated from The Amazing Race.