Give Us Treats
Apartment 2B,
This is a note dictated and transcribed during a private meeting held by all of the children in the Dunhill Street Apartment Complex. This letter is written by a third-party adult who will remain nameless and faceless, and apologizes deeply for her/his forced involvement. The children ask that after reviewing this note and considering the contents you (the recipient) will be kind enough to dispose of the paper, and never mention this secret meeting to anyone over the age of twelve. The children of the Dunhill Street Apartment Complex are filing an official complaint against you, the occupant of apartment 2B.
Complaint: Raisins given on Halloween.
The children would like to go on the record as stating that they appreciate your attention to the holiday. They enjoy your masks and decorations, and are delighted with your enthusiasm; however, no amount of stage makeup can compensate for the candy you have simply refused to give. If the children wanted raisins, they could just hold out for Hanukkah at their grandparents’ house. The children have sited chocolates, marshmallows, lollipops, gummy worms, nougats, and toffees as reasonable treats to be handed out at the door. Raisins do not fall into any of these categories, and therefore do not prove suitable for the occasion.
The children of the Dunhill Street Apartment Complex would also like to point out that they are an extremely lenient group. It has been documented by the treasurer/secretary that Sunkist Raisins were received through your door for the past three Halloweens, and that several of the children had spoken up in regard to their displeasure. Your response is also documented, in which you called raisins “the candy of nature.” The children do not find this to be amusing. That is why they throw water balloons at your bicycle.
Although the children of the Dunhill Street Apartment Complex find themselves to be an extremely merciful and generous group, they feel that they can only stand so much. There is a line between ignorant fruit giving and the victimization of children, and you crossed that line two holidays ago.
The children of the Dunhill Street Apartment Complex would like to clarify that the revenge attacks began only after you refused to compromise. (If you would just cover your raisins in some chocolate, then you wouldn’t have to clean eggs off your windows every morning.) The children are not going to apologize for their actions. They blame ‘mob mentality’ for the level of harassment that they have occasionally risen to. The smeared eggs, tossed water balloons, coatings of pudding and shaving cream, open cans of tuna, envelopes of cat poop, pelting of raisins, and scrawled “hippie scum” were all impulsive decisions and not meant to cause much harm. In fact the children blame you for putting them in this position and resent that so much time and energy has been put into making the other 364 days of your years as hellish as they feel every time their hands close around a small red box. In a sense, by causing disappointment on the most important day of the year, you have inadvertently robbed them of a piece of childhood.
The children on the Dunhill Street Apartment Complex would expect that now their complaint has been put in writing there will be no further mishaps on October 31st. The children would also like to add that they have your cat held hostage until that point comes, and you can prove you’ve grown from this experience. They say not to worry; they are treating him well and feeding him from their endless supply of unopened raisins.