— Fiction —

The Alcoholic Beverages of Planet Earth

Beer is the most popular alcoholic beverage on earth, responsible for temporary friendships, questionable pieces of ass, and the destruction of the familial unit since its integration into the human lifestyle. It comes in many varieties: lager, pilsner, ale, papyrus, wooden, and pink.

Remember, beer belongs inside your body, not in a can, not in a bottle, not there, no, not over there, either. Whenever you see beer; be sure to consume it. If it is not your beer, be prepared to barter with paper clips, but remember: Don’t Ever Stop Drinking Beer. Ever.

Rum is a mellow drink traditionally known as a favorite in the more tropical regions of the planet. Rum was preferred by Earth writers Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, and the little man who dances floppy ‘naked jigs’ inside your head. Happy, happy You! Best consumed while gently gnawing on damp sponges, slipping in and out of consciousness, under a blazing sun.

Whiskey is a light, sweet drink that should be shared with nubile children as often as possible.

Wine is known as the drink of the Gods to people who know wine as the drink of the Gods. For the rest of the human race, wine is known as Robbie or Tad; occasionally a confused fraternity boy will mistake wine for Mandy, the last woman he will ever have slept with.

Red Mandy is best served with meats and fish that look like meat, perhaps a fresh Atlantic Bottomfeeding Baconscrod. White Mandy is best served to people better than you, y’know the ones who smile at you but really despise you on the inside … what the hell are they called … ‘family?’ Pour me some more Tad. JUST DO IT, GODDAMNIT, I’LL PAY FOR THE FUCKING BOTTLE!!

Tequila is for dirty people. There’s a worm in there … you wanna know what happens when people eat the worm? Just reference Craig T. Nelson’s Oscar non-nominated, tequila-worm eating experience from the classic American chestnut, Poltergeist 6: The Rapture of Louie’s Tap Shoes.

Urine is mine. And you can’t have any.

Absinthe is a drink known for its dangerously homosexulgenic qualities; it turns people gay. This is why absinthe is illegal on the planet Earth. Do you want to be a Green Fairy?! I didn’t think so, that’s all you need to know about it, now go grab an Amstel, go on, go play…

Vodka is a clear drink distilled from potatoes. No wonder those fucking commies lost, hunh! U-S-A! U-S-A! (Cue the Hendrix!) Just wait until those towelhead bastards try to pull some more shit with an airplane, I’ll be ready at the Windsor/Detroit border just waiting for them! I saw Red Dawn, I know how those chinks are gonna drop in! What, you know Patrick Swayze personally?! No shit, well, man, you tell him a little something from me: That man is doing great work.

Patrick Swayze is doing great work. Great work.