— Fiction —

Jesus’ Standup Act

Little is known of the life of Christ between childhood and His later emergence as a serious public speaker. Until now, as indicated by this recently unearthed transcript:

How are you folks doin’ this evening? Any fishermen here? Great! I’m glad to see you guys takin’ a break for a change, y’know? I mean, I walked into town today along the banks of Galilee, and I’ll tell you somethin’, you guys really bust your asses out there. Heat, rain, whatever, you’re always out there in the boats, haulin’ in those nets. Seriously, every time I’m on tour somewhere and end up by the water, I say to myself, Lord, we gotta find something else for these poor guys to do! You fishermen ever think about that? Like, if you could fish for something else, what would you fish for? See, there’s your problem. It’s semantics! Your job is a verb AND a noun. You’re screwed!

What it is about Sadducees? You got ‘em here, right? You ever see these guys struttin’ around downtown? They walk like they’ve got stone tablets tied around their peckers and bad chafing to boot. I mean, they’re supposed to enforce the Mosaic Code, not wear it, am I right? These guys take the spirit out of spirituality! I mean, I don’t think anyone should call himself a High Priest unless he at least gets high on SOMETHING once in a while. Give me a couple of Pharisees any day— at least they’re fun to argue with when they’re drunk.

So who else have we got here? You, sir, where you from? Samaria? I didn’t think so. Are there any Samaritans in the house? Any who will admit it? Show of hands? So everyone in this room is either a bigot or a liar? Ahhhhh, see? That’s my point.

So—since I’m assuming most of you fall into the bigot category here—what have you got against lepers? They’re not evil people! God doesn’t hate them! You know what I think it is? They’re BORING. They have no hobbies, they don’t keep up with current affairs. No matter what topic the conversation starts out with, when you’re talking to a leper eventually it comes back to the leprosy. They’re even boring to each other! I did a show at a leper colony once, and I’ll tell you, these people are so grateful to talk to somebody who’s not a leper, they’ll give you the skin off their backs!

So the other day I was downtown and I wanted to buy a little nosh, but all I had was a fifty. You ever try to get change for a fifty downtown? Nobody will take it! You could be literally dying of starvation in front of these guys, gasping, “I don’t care! Keep the change!” Fortunately for me, the Temple was right next door.

’Scuse me a sec, I’m gettin’ a little dry up here. What? Yeah, it’s wine. What? Naw, I make it myself. See the owner back there? Big guy? He doesn’t hand out any free drinks, believe me. You’d think those flasks were filled with his own blood. If you think you can take him on, I’ll loan you my sling, but you’re gonna need bigger rocks than I got.

I spend a lot of my time on the road, so I don’t have a dog, I’m not married, I don’t even have a steady girlfriend. I don’t have the time or the stability, y’know? But my mother doesn’t understand this. Every time I’m back home in Nazareth there’s some girl hanging around the club who knows my mother. And these girls my mother finds have absolutely NO sense of humor. I swear she goes around tickling single women until she finds one that will not laugh under any circumstances whatsoever, and then she sends her to me. You know where I have to go to meet funny, intelligent women? Magdala.

Thanks, you’ve been a terrific audience! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, y’knowhatI’msayin’? Good night!