Wittgenstein: The Crank Calls

by Michael Fowler

Respondent: Evening Standard, editorial desk.
Wittgenstein: Reading your newspaper is a TORTURE to me.
Respondent: Would you care to cancel your subscription, sir?
Wittgenstein: I find your attitude QUITE UNBEARABLE. [Crash of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Moore’s Clocks, Moore speaking.
Wittgenstein: Do you have the time?
Respondent: London time, sir?
Wittgenstein: Philistine! Time is INDEFINABLE! [Slam of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: British Museum, Curator Pink speaking.
Wittgenstein: I have proof that England was created five minutes ago. Therefore, the contents of your museum are fakes.
Respondent: I didn’t quite get that.
Wittgenstein: I do not find a TRACE of humanity in you. [Thump of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Leicester Cinema, Clive speaking.
Wittgenstein: I have a dilemma. I would like to come see a ‘flick,’ but only if it is a Western ‘flick.’
Respondent: I’d be happy to advance-mail you our monthly schedule, sir.
Wittgenstein: Your attitude is MOST SUFFOCATING. [Wham of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Cambridge Classical Request Line. May I take a request?
Wittgenstein: The Strauss that you played just now reminded me of a STEAM ENGINE.
Respondent: Would you care to hear something by Mozart, sir?
Wittgenstein: Bounder! The sound of your voice is REPUGNANT to me. [Whack of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Cambridge Bank, how may I assist you?
Wittgenstein: I find myself in dire need of money. I have a number of extremely wealthy relations, and yes, they would give me money if I asked them to, BUT I WILL NOT ASK THEM FOR A PENNY.
Respondent: I believe I understand, sir.
Wittgenstein: Dealing with you is QUITE FATIGUING. [Thud of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Bond Street Books, Smythies speaking.
Wittgenstein: The books on display in your front widow are VOMATIVES.
Respondent: Would you care to special-order something, sir?
Wittgenstein: Blighter! Your stupidity deprives me of OXYGEN. [Bang of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Street & Smith’s Detective Story Magazine.
Wittgenstein: I wish to complain about your last issue. It featured a detective THINKING.
Respondent: We thought it was quite well done here.
Wittgenstein: It is INTOLERABLE to me to read about a detective’s BRAIN. Give me ACTION, or CEASE PUBLICATION. [Clatter of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Two Steeples Sock Company, Pattison speaking.
Wittgenstein: The number 83 sock in your recent catalogue CANNOT be ‘stylish and manly.’
Respondent: We believe that it is, sir.
Wittgenstein: Philistine! Fashion statements are INEXPRESSIBLE. [Crunch of receiver.]

* * *

Respondent: Anscombe’s Hotel, Anscombe speaking.
Wittgenstein: The faux cherry furniture in your guestrooms is a TORTURE to me.
Respondent: I’ll inform the management, sir.
Wittgenstein: Blighter! I will not TOLERATE your BEASTLY BACKTALK.
[Smack of receiver hitting the wall followed by a loud buzzing. ]