— Shreek of the Week of the Day —

Next Time, Maybe I’ll Knock

“Every Breath You Take” by the Police, from the album Synchronicity
Third week of May, 1983

For the listening public, it’s “Every Breath You Take.” But for me, it’s more like “Every Time I Catch People Fucking”. The first time I heard the Police’s sweet, heartbreaking song about over-possessiveness and criminal stalking, I opened my sister’s bedroom door without knocking to find her being relentlessly stabbed by her boyfriend’s dong (she was on top, and, as memory serves, loving it). Still, I was mortified. But not too mortified to open a second doorway nine years later without knocking to find one of my best girl friends getting side-saddled by this dude she’d been stupidly pining over for months, even though he had a crew cut.

Then one night last year, my roommate and I turned on my PS2 to play Karaoke Revolution, an awesome karaoke-style video game that judges how well you sing. We were drunk and happy, and he decided we should duet the Police’s song. I didn’t have a reaction, the sexcapades relating to the song were a thing of the past. Minutes after singing, for literally no reason I can imagine, Warren told me about how his girlfriend liked to remove his penis from her vagina during coitus, then kindly slide it inside her anus. I was pleasantly stunned. The whole of it was so pornographically savvy, it played in my head, along with the song, on repeat for the rest of the night.

Best Part: Um, the climax? Hiyooooooo.

—Todd Zuniga
Opium Magazine