Just Trying to Be the Best Me I Can Possibly Be: Talking Points

1. Whatever I do and whenever I do it, I do the very best I can—even if I have no idea what I’m doing. For instance, I now realize a television cannot be fixed with a simple application of margarine and crushed cinderblocks, but I want you to know that I believed with all my heart that it could.

2. Taking stock of yourself can take many shapes. One shape is that of a stock certificate, like the one that was until recently in the top drawer of your desk. Yes, it was me who sold it. And yes, I wagered and subsequently lost nearly all the proceeds at the horse track, and then the dog track, and then I squandered what little was left at a greased-pig-catching contest. Of course I felt terrible, but discovering your true emotions is what this crazy journey we call “life” is all about, right? Believe me, I’m trying my best.

3. I don’t need to listen to so-called fashion experts; hip, overpriced clothes won’t make me feel good about myself. Fact is, I don’t need clothes at all. A thorough application of mayonnaise and pieces of glitter will do quite nicely for any occasion. This will explain why your bed is such a sparkly, fetid mess.

4. I know it may sound corny, but when life gives me lemons these days, I really try to make lemonade! Problem is, I am strongly inclined to add a generous helping of gin to this lemonade, and that’s led to a lot of cursing and vomiting. But guess what? I regurgitated those cufflinks I thought I had lost. Now that’s looking at the glass half full!

5. Please don’t roll your eyes when I tell you about my personal roadmap to life success. It’s gotten me off the highway of negativity and on the road to self-actualization! Of course, this road is not a straight shot: There are more than a few twists and turns, and there are also deer and guardrails that don’t have the good sense to get out of the way, and road-repair crews who act like they’ve never seen a minivan approach them in reverse at 70 miles an hour, much less with a group of senior citizens tied up and screaming in the back seat. I mean, do these guys live in a vacuum or something? Not me. I live in a place where you can drink two bottles of Old Grand-Dad and let the road take you where it may.

6. Being the best me I can be means trying to find beauty in every single day. That can mean enjoying a cool, dewy summer morning. Or a smile from a kindly waitress. Or the way a shaft of sunlight pours through the window and illuminates the steam from your first cup of coffee. Or the look a waitress gives you when she sees you pleasuring yourself with the remains of the breakfast special.

The timely delivery of bail money: That’s another special moment, and I thank you for it. Honestly, it’s the small things that mean the most.