— Fiction —

Dating with Goofus and Gallant

On the phone:
Goofus says, “Ma? MA! Shut up, I’m on the PHONE! Hey, is—uh—is whatshername there? The one with the big tits?”

Gallant says, “Hi! How are you, hon? It’s always so good to hear your voice. Say, listen, my roomie’s out of town, and I thought maybe you and I should go out and do something. Wouldn’t that just be fabulous?”

In the car:
Goofus hangs a “BITCH ON BOARD” sign in the back window, pumps up the subwoofer and sings along with Warrant at the top of his lungs.

Gallant makes sure his date is wearing her seatbelt and does his impeccable impression of Cher.

At the restaurant:
Goofus generously encourages his date to Biggie Size it.

Gallant orders in fluent French and flirts with the waiter.

At the movie:
Goofus provides color commentary for the hard-of-hearing while trying to slide his hand down the back of his date’s pants.

Gallant makes catty remarks about the characters’ outfits.

After the movie:
Goofus opens a forty and weaves in and out of oncoming traffic.

Gallant responds to his voice messages, ending every reply with “And I’ll see YOU later.”

On the doorstep:
Goofus backs his date up against the door, unzips his fly and says, “C’mon, babe—nobody’s watching!”

Gallant politely kisses his date goodnight, saying, “No sex for me, thanks. It smells funny.”