There's Nothing Worse Than a Drunk Wookie
Me: Honey, you will never guess who I met at the bar tonight.
[Silence.]
Me: Well, are you going to guess?
Katy: You can tell me about it in the morning. I am going to bed.
Me: No, you can’t! I invited him over for dinner and I need you to—
Katy: You what? It is almost one in the morning and we both have work tomorrow! What kind of person invites people over for dinner at one in the morning?
Voice from the Hallway:: ARAHHHHGHHHHH!
Katy: What was that?
Me: Oh, that’s him! [Leaning out the door:] Hey, up here man!
[Chewbacca enters apartment banging head on top of door frame and knocking over a coat rack in the process]
Me: Whoa, easy you drunk!
Chewbacca: ARRRAHHG GRAAHHHAAG!
[Silence]
Me: Um, Katy, aren’t you going to introduce yourself?
Katy: No. Sorry, but I don’t speak “Argh,” or whatever, so…
Me: Don’t be stupid, honey. Chewie understands Galactic Basic. [Turning to Chebacca:] Sorry, Chewie, just ignore her. Well, hey, can I get you a beer?
Chewbacca: AAARRRGGGGHHHH!
Me: Whoa, is that a challenge or a threat?
Chewbacca: ARAHHHAGHAACH HAAARRAGGGRRRHHH?
[Silence.]
Me: Um, honey? Aren’t you going to answer him?
Katy: This is ridiculous.
Chewbacca: AHHAAHHRGRAAAA GRAGGGHHH RAAAGHRRRR!
Me: [Talking to Chewbacca, but staring at Katy:] Oh yeah? Well then I feel sorry for you, bro!
Katy: What did he just say?
Me: Nothing, just that you reminded him of his wife Mallatobuck….
Chewbacca: ARRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGG!
Me: Oops, I mean ex-wife Mallatobuck.
Chewbacca: AGGGRAGGGA KRAGGGHA AAGGGGH!
Me: Well those are fighting words … screw it, lets go! Shots!
Katy: Oh no, no, no, no! No shots! I think it is time to call it a night, guys.
Me: All around, here we go, bottoms up! [Chewbacca and I each take a shot. Chewbacca then grabs the bottle and drinks the rest in three gulps and smashes the empty bottle on his head.]
Katy: You idiots! First off, who takes shots of wine? And second, that was an expensive bottle! Ryan, that bottle was given to me to me as as gift, and I was saving it for when my parents visit!
Me: Hey, honey, do you think it would kill you to show a little hospitality? Could you please just make an effort?
Katy: Ryan! Whatever … O.K. Um, so Chewbacca, this is the first time that I have ever met an Ewok before. What exactly do…
Me: Whoa! Jesus, Katy, Chewbacca is not an Ewok! What, are you trying to be a bitch? Ewoks are a primitive race from the forest moon of Endor. They like, just discovered fire and stuff. Chewbacca is a Wookiee. They repair androids and fly freaking spaceships … a little different, ya think?
Chewie: ARAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHAHAHH AHAHGHHHGHHA AA A HHAHHAHAH! GRRRAAHAHAHHHHHHAA AGHHHRRRRAHHHH! [Chewbacca covers and starts crying.]
Katy: Oh my god, is he crying? I can’t believe this …
Me: He is opening up to us. [Turning to Chewbacca:] No, Chewie, stop that. I am sure Waroo understands about your duty to serve your life debt to Han …
Katy: What is going on? Why is he crying?
Me: Katy, please… He is telling us how bad he feels for being absent during his son Lumpawaroo’s childhood…
Chewbacca: ARRRRAGHHHAAAAAAA AAARFGGG?
Me: Of course, man. Our place is your place.
Katy: Wait! Where does he think he is going?
Me: Relax, he is just going to the bathroom. You need to chill out. Do you understand who this is? This is Chewbacca. CHEW-BAC-CA…CHEEWWWBAAACCAAA! We are having dinner with CHEWBACCA!
Katy: It is almost one in the morning, Ryan! We are not having dinner, and I am not in the mood to deal with a drunk, emotional, eight-foot-tall Bigfoot!
Chewbacca: [From other room:] AGHHRAAAGGH!
Me: Hahaha, listen to him. He has no idea where he is. Oh man, he is sooo drunk! [Yelling back to Chewbacca:] You are in the living room, you dumb drunk Wookiee!
Katy: AAAHHHHH! RYAN! Your friend just relieved himself on our couch and is now laying in it!
Me: Oh man, he is out cold. Well, he is going to have to pay for this. Quick, honey, go get some of your razors. I’ll get a marker and the camera.
