Enthrone Rachael Triumphant: Alternate Pilot Concepts Featuring Rachael Ray

In late 2005, Ray signed a deal with Oprah Winfrey and King World Productions to host a syndicated daytime TV talk show in fall 2006. (Source: Wikipedia)

30-MINUTE SODOMY WITH RACHAEL RAY

“I love sodomy. I’m all about it! There’s some things I don’t like; and there’s some things I won’t do; and there’s some things I can’t do—I can’t whistle at all, just ask my producer—but more than anything I love to get fucked in the ass! Yum-O! But before we start, we’re going to need a few things…”

WICKED PISSAH MAKEOVAHS

Rachael Ray travels up and down Route 93 from Braintree to Medford making over housewives and remodeling homes. With her crackerjack team of makeup artists from Pine Manor (“The Girl Painters”) and her hot-tempered construction crew from Revere (“The Fahkin’ Dicks”), Ray teaches these old dogs a few tricks. Every episode opens at the Brigham’s in Back Bay and concludes at Twelve Bens in Dorchester.

OUT OF TIME

It’s The Galloping Gourmet meets Quantum Leap as Rachael Ray stars as a busybody know-it-all time-traveler who never shuts up but manages to teach people how to cook with garlic on a budget. In the premiere episode Ray confronts her greatest challenge as she must prepare a meal for the court of Louis XIV—all of whom are allergic to garlic!

I MARRIED A FAT GUY

Sitcom adventures with Rachael Ray and her Nascar-loving tubby-hubby, Jay. They flirt and they bicker but they always end up hugging in the end! A running joke in the series involves the fact that everything Rachael cooks is guaranteed to make Jay gain weight; but she just shrugs and tells him “that means there’s just more of you to love.” (Sponsored by Kraft™.)

CODENAME: KATE R. R.

Espionage drama starring Rachael Ray as a top secret government operative (codename: Kate R. R.) who runs a catering company by day and thwarts terrorists by night, (often dressed in sexy outfits). In the première episode, (“Love Is a Many-Splintered Thingy”) Kate must prepare a dinner for 200 at a wedding reception while trying to stop a handsome landmine-manufacturing terrorist from flooding the black market with his inexpensive but highly-effective products.

GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT!

Every Friday night, Rachael Ray meets up with a group of socially retarded secretaries in different metropolitan areas to commiserate about life, work and men! While the girls dish the goss, Ray becomes intoxicated and belligerent—who knows what she’ll do or say! In the first episode, Ray dances on the bar after three Amstels; fends off the advances of a bunch of traders from Merrill Lynch; and cries to her new girlfriends about her fat ass.

THE MOST DANGEROUS COOKING GAME

Rachael invites her celebrity cooking friends (Andrea Immer, Jamie Oliver, Rocco DiSpirito, Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse) over to share recipes and stories, then shocks them all when she announces her intention to mercilessly hunt them down and kill them (after dessert). What Rachael doesn’t know is that Anthony Bourdain is hunting her…

RACHAEL RAY’S BIBLE HOUR

Ray reads passages from the Bible and interprets each selection. For an hour.

RACHAEL IN PARIS

Weekly one-hour reality show follows Rachael as she attends L’Ecole des Trois Ponts in Roanne to really learn about cooking and how to cook. (Sort of like Legally Blonde meets Apocalypse Now except the French are largely unamused and there’s no Brando.)