Barely Awake

I woke up in a strange place, then I went back to sleep. Then I woke up again and a bear was next to me. The bear spoke:

“Don’t worry, I only eat salmon.”

“O.K.,” I said.

The bear started sniffing, then it sniffed more, and finally it stopped sniffing and spoke again, this time in a British accent.

“Chap, I hate to say this, but I smell some bloody salmon here … it’s coming from your ass.”

“It is?” I asked, clenching my butt cheeks. “Do what you gotta do,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood to fight a grizzly; maybe a black bear, but not a grizzly.

“You’re a smart kid,” the bear said, its long tongue doing rotation exercises. They say you can get off when someone plays with your ass; I was about to find out, I thought.

“Damn, this is some good salmon, playa,” the bear said, this time in urban lingo. “This shit be straight out of Alaska.”

“Yes, it is straight out of Alaska,” I said. Disagreeing with a bear while it eats salmon out of your ass can be a mistake.

The bear finished, and I went back to sleep again. Its left paw was on my chest, but I didn’t dare say anything. It was a grizzly bear you know.

I woke up again, this time in a place I knew very well. A hippo was there. I knew the hippo. The hippo never ate salmon out of my ass. The hippo turned to me and spoke:

“Honey, go make the coffee and let the dog out.”

“Yes,” I said.

The salmon wasn’t in my ass anymore, the bear was gone, and worst of all, the hippo would always be there.