— Fiction —

If the Brill Building Had Instead Housed a Law Firm

Despite your long association with our client, in recent times incontrovertible evidence has surfaced, including (but not limited to) the failure of eyes to close when lips are kissed, a measurable lack of tenderness in fingertips, and apparent attempts to conceal associated internal, undocumented changes to the original agreement. Our client has no choice therefore but to conclude that you have lost, misplaced, or destroyed that loving feeling, either through negligence or accident, and that all related agreements are gone, null, void, and whoa.

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In the firm’s opinion, what a small municipality deficient in pity may achieve is not a particularly attractive prospect.

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Our client’s suit charges willful and malicious action on the part of her parents related to her new boyfriend, based on documented testimony alleging that the defendants put him down, implied ancestry and residence on the wrong side of town, classified him as “bad” (despite mitigating evidence of sadness observed by our client), and insisted our client find someone new. We assert that these statements and actions contributed directly to the wrongful death of her boyfriend Jimmy, hereafter referred to as the “Leader of the Pack.”

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Vis-à-vis the Chapel of Love, we would advise our clients to visit the facility only after obtaining all requisite legal documents and licenses relevant to the ceremony’s procedure.

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On behalf of our esteemed client, we are pleased to inform you that all interested parties are participating in a novel choreographed action of recent invention, and that we are assured you will also be pleased by it if you evaluate the proposition upon its evident merits. We therefore urge you to commit to a timely joint filing of the enclosed locomotion.

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In this pending criminal matter we are willing to stipulate the following:

1) His name was Bill.
2) He walked her home.

We do not, however, concede any of the allegations in this case related to the plaintiff’s heart standing still, for any length of time, with or without medical supervision, nor any utterance or recognition by our client of the cryptic phrase “Da Doo Ron Ron” which has received so much prejudicial pre-trial publicity.

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On this date, as documented in the attached notarized affidavit, our partners hereby assert and confirm that our baby does indeed perform the hanky panky, and that said duties related to the hanky panky are performed in good faith and with all due diligence and care.