— Poetry & Lyric —

Edgar Allen Poe Tells “The Aristocrats”

With the recent release of The Aristocrats on DVD, literary historians are delighted to announce the discovery of a written version of the joke, composed by Edgar Allen Poe. The joke was found in one of Poe’s journals, written on a napkin in what appears to be his handwriting, though various discrepancies have led researchers to suspect that Poe was intoxicated at the time. Forensic evidence suggests the text was written between 1842 and 1844, and it is believed to be the oldest recorded telling of the joke.

“The Joke”

To an agent’s office, a man walked in, ear to ear with a delighted grin
And said, I have the most outstanding act standing right outside your door
They’ll sell out shows for miles, the money will come in piles
The audience full of smiles, smiles like none they’ve smiled before
At this family act—like none that came before
Say the word and I will show you more

The agent was certainly interested, so as the man insisted
He asked to see them live, performing on his floor
They came in one by one: Father, Mother, sis, and son,
And yet they were not done; their company included more
Trailing at their heels, there was one furred member more
A little dog by the name “Lenore”

They took their places there; Sis sitting on a chair
Pa and son both pantomimed like they were working at some chore
While Ma laid in repose, and she recited florid prose
Something tedious of Poe’s, and pet the dog Lenore
When the dog licked her feet, she cooed: “That’s a good Lenore”
The agent thought the act was quite a bore

Dad strolled over to Ma, and gently raised her jaw
Interrupting her and turning her toward
The crotch of his trouser, where she beheld his power
An erection sized like a schnauzer, which she hardly looked o’er
Before she took it in her mouth to lick the rod all o’er
Looking like she’d done this several times before

As they had rehearsed, boy and girl they were reversed
Sis in the chair and son down on all four
Where he went down on her, and proceeded to munch some fur
At which she smiled and purred; but don’t forget Lenore
Performing similarly on Mom, who was exclaiming, “Gooo Le’ohrr!”
And making other sounds much like a boar

Then they all arose, and took off all their clothes
And got down in a circle on the floor
There they did it every way, Pa getting most the play
Switching off with no delay; with his wang he did explore
Male or female, there’s no difference; every hole he all explored
Forgetting not his son nor good Lenore.

When dad was with another, well, the rest they did each other,
Boy and dog played with each other upon the floor
And Mom picked up the girl; gave her a little twirl,
And used a strap-on to rock her world; and yet there was some more
The show was not yet over, there was one performance more
Though, from the size of Dad it’s a wonder they all weren’t sore

From head to toe, they were dripping; on the floor the dog was slipping
On the sweat and love-borne juices that were oozing in the gore
But at once they all did sit, and then they took a shit
And from the looks of it, their insides were at war
Losing a messy, vicious war
Perhaps with food from Bangalore

Then both the adults stood; spread their legs as wide as they could
Junior got behind while his sister knelt on the floor
Through their legs and shit he glided on his knees while excited
And his salami—he did hide it; hid it within his sister’s core
Her soft and lovely core
Where his father’d been, one moment before

That was the end of the performance, so the agent took a moment
To ponder what he just had seen performed
Then he reclined back; asked, “What do you call your act?”
They replied, “The Aristocrats!” … and a bark came from Lenore
The cute and ever-obeying Lenore
The agent clapped his hands and shouted, “Show me the encore!”