Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? — A Survival Guide

by Eric Feezell

You rise with a startled jerk from your supine position, shivering, body caked in a gelatinous sweat that could only be the product of near-100-percent humidity. An alligator bites your foot from your leg as a steady downpour and fierce…

Open Mike

by David Galef

“It’s the tail end of open-mike night here at the Big Gig, and I see some new faces in the crowd. Let me emphasize that time is limited, so please keep it short. And now … ah, I see a…

Real Lab Notes

by Julie Vick

A major survey of U.S. researchers has found that unethical practices are more common and widespread in science than previously believed. The study found that 33% of scientists admit to engaging in at least one of 10 behaviors considered unethical…

She’s Gone Electric

“Annie Get Your Gun” by Squeeze (released as a single, but) from the album Singles 45’s and Under Fourth week of October, 1982. This is Squeeze’s second hit single named after a Broadway show, the other being, obviously, Goodbye Girl….

Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter’s Bat Mitzvah

by Aaron Spiewak

—At no point should the bat mitzvah girl be addressed as a “bitch”, “ho”, etc., even if it fits in iambic pentameter. —All entourage members will be asked to disarm and turn over gats before the commencement of the horah …

A Few Ideas for the Next Film in George Romero’s Zombie Series

by Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Twelfth Night of the Living Dead: The Bard meets George Romero: cross-dressing zombies in the 16th century. Who’s a man? Who’s a woman? Who’s living? Who’s dead? Hilarity ensues …

Opium.Weekend

All-Star Gala & Battle of the Literary Gladiators…

Disquieting Modern Trends: Opium Magazine Five-Year Anniversary N.Y.C. Celebration Edition

by Todd Zuniga & Elizabeth Koch

Will Layman and Chris Osmond intone: As professional cultural critics and C-List blogebrities whose snappy critiques and wise-ass barbs echo across the land almost the instant they are posted on this esteemed site, we grow weary. But our obligation to…