— Fiction —

Will Leitch and Eric Gillin Use Instant Messenger to Defuse a Bomb

Will Leitch: I’M SUPPOSED TO DEFUSE A FUCKING BOMB. I’M STARING AT IT, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE SHEET SAYS, AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO DO IT.
Eric Gillin: Hahahahahahahaha
W.L.: It keeps saying “simply lift the front cover off.” Which is the front?
E.G.: What kind of a bomb is it?
W.L.: I don’t know.
E.G.: Is it a black cannonball with a lit fuse in it?
W.L.: Asshole.
E.G.: Are you following the pictures?
W.L.: Yeah, but it doesn’t look anything like the pictures.
E.G.: Search the Web.
E.G.: There’s got to be video of it out there.
W.L.: O.K., I got the cover off.
E.G.: Good. You will see a bunch of colored wires in the box. Find a pair of scissors.
W.L.: This I have done.
E.G.: Take the blue wire, pass it over the top of the red wire, and drape them both over the bean-like wire.
W.L.: You just said 19 words of pure gibberish.
E.G.: Engage the brain.
E.G.: Are there people there?
W.L.: Tons. Maybe two hundred, gathered around me. Many holding babies.
E.G.: Did you drape the wires?
W.L.: Nope.
E.G.: Send the link.
E.G.: Forget the draping. Correct sequence of wires to cut is green, red and then blue.
W.L.: O.K.
E.G.: Wait. Was there a trigger mechanism attached to the lid?
W.L.: What?
E.G.: Before opening the lid all the way, you need to cut that.
E.G.: Start over.
W.L.: I can’t fucking start over. I’ve cut two wires.
E.G.: What color?
W.L.: Both are yellow.
E.G.: There are no yellow wires. Let’s try a different method. Are you near a large body of water?
W.L.: Negative.
W.L.: The man next to me has a Big Gulp.
E.G.: Do you have access to tremendous amount of sand?
W.L.: It’s beeping. Fuck! What’s that about?
E.G.: Don’t panic. Beeping is good.
W.L.: I can’t do this. As a child I couldn’t even stack blocks.
W.L.: Now there’s blinking lights.
E.G.: How did you get this job? Don’t they give you a kit?
E.G.: O.K. It says, cut the green wire, and wind it over the top of the first light.
W.L.: Define “wind.”
E.G.: Wrap once.
W.L.: Success!
W.L.: You have the patience of a saint.
E.G.: Now cut only blue. No mistakes.
W.L.: But I am only a simple farming man with no bomb-defusing experience.
E.G.: Shut up. Now cut the red.
W.L.: We’re just outside of a children’s hospital. Did I mention that?
W.L.: Below me are all of the city’s gas lines.
E.G.: Now cut green.
E.G.: No wait!
E.G.: Yeah, green.
W.L.: Done.
W.L.: It’s not beeping anymore. But there’s smoke.
E.G.: I gotta go. Bar None. What time?
W.L.: After this? A.S.A.P.
W.L.: Wait.
W.L.: I need a haircut badly.
E.G.: I’ll order for you.
E.G.: Unless I hear a series of explosions.
W.L.: Gotcha.