— Listicles —

Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked

1. Ne’er-Do-Wells
   The first rule: no well done, no guff brooked. Inviolable.

2. Shams
   Those who are imposters, those who cover pillows.

3. Thoughtless Cads
   It is not the caddery that disturbs, it is the lack of thought that so often accompanies it—the rare thoughtful cad can be excellent company, and his guff will be brooked if he is handsome.

4. That Idiot Who Pushed Me out of His Way in an Attempt to Catch the Express Train that One Time, Causing Me to Stumble and Nearly Fall onto the Tracks
   Seriously, if I ever see you again, you better not expect me to brook any of your goddamn guff.

5. Fusspots
   Where fuss goes, guff tends to follow. It will not be brooked.

6. Whippersnappers
   Guff will especially not be brooked from you, whippersnappers, for I am fast approaching my third decade of life, and this entitles me to a certain number of prescription medications and also the right to instruct you to go sponge the moisture from behind your ears instead of coming around to bother me with your guff. Pull up your pants while you’re at it.