Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut

by Geoff Wolinetz

Speech Made by a Tour Guide at Mount Rushmore
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine …

Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast

by Jeremy Martin

Jimmy Kimmel: Listen—Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. Too bad it wasn’t so easy for Kurt boy here to get that gerbil to come unstuck from his ass. Am I right, V-man? I bet time didn’t need a DustBuster…

“Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout

by J. M. Houk

Dear Sir, pathetic sir, lonely sir, You are an experiment by the Creator of Apple. You are the only person left in the World who is literate and has the ability to communicate beyond grunting. You are the only one…

The Good News

by Jeremy Martin

  A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. This story happened a long time ago in a church. Things were very different then. A church was a building where crowds of depressed and frightened people…

Military Manpower:
10,354,978 (2003 est.)
[Army, Navy(!), & Air Force]

Learn German!
Gute Himmel, haben Sie einen reizenden Busen. Mag ich ihn berühren?
Good heavens, you have a lovely bosom. May I touch it?

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Previously: « "Kilgore Trout"
Nextly: Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems by Brian Beatty »

Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut by Geoff Wolinetz
Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut's Friar's Club Roast by Jeremy Martin
"Now It Can Be Sold" by Drinkmore Stout by J. M. Houk
The Good News by Jeremy Martin
Deadeye Dicks
Writing Goodly by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.*

J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Sam Lipsyte's Home Land