Fiction

A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader

Q: How are you qualified to assist President Bush and Vice President Cheney during this troubled time for the White House?

A: (Breath, breath.) I am strong with the Force. I am trained in the ways of the Force, and I have hired a team of bounty hunters to deal with the President’s critics.

Q: Bounty hunters?

A: (Breath, breath.) Yes. But I am a civilized man. There are to be no disintegrations.

Q: What is your response to accusations that the war in Iraq has become a quagmire and the president has no practical timetable of when to pull out?

A: (Breath, breath.) Things in Iraq are going perfectly according to our plans. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Q: (Choking.)

Q: Mr. Vader, there has been much controversy due to the criminal investigations of people close to the White House. How do you plan to clean the tarnished image of President Bush?

A: (Breath, breath.) You will address me as Lord Vader. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. In answer to your question, I have new methods to motivate our public relations people. I’m here to put the Bush White House back on schedule.

Q: What do you think of the fiasco over Bush’s nominee for the Supreme Court?

A: (Breath, breath.) It is the right of the Emperor to choose whomever he wants to fill that position. I was not totally in agreement with his decision, but I cannot disobey my master. You don’t know the power of the dark side of the Force.

Q: Emperor?

A: (Breath, breath.) Chancellor Bush will shortly be declaring the formation of the Galactic Empire, which will spread peace throughout the Middle East through regime change. Those who advocate democracy will learn that once Bush was the student, but now he is the master.

Q: How do you respond to critics of Bush’s response to Katrina?

A: (Breath, breath.) The state and local government of Louisiana were rebels who would not cooperate with FEMA. In the future, when hurricanes strike, we’ll take them ship to ship.

Q: What are your thoughts on a possible bid by Hillary Clinton to become the country’s first woman President?

A: (Breath, breath.) Hillary, I am your father! No further questions.