70s Music Is Stupid

by Dayvid Figler

“Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce First of all, you can’t. Time is a concept. But you knew that, you’re just getting all literary. Cool. No problem. Still, the first thing you’d do is “save every day till eternity…

Following the Trail Blazed by Margaret Truman

Y.P.R. contributor Frank Lesser, the crafty creator of DannyBot (“So sad, even your robot will cry”) and the Lie Girls, presents: Flora Bush: The Child Left Behind —an album recorded by the forgotten daughter of your president. Read: Curriculum Fraudium…

Rosh Hashanah Head Rush

Happy 5766 to our Hebrew friends. Blow that ram’s horn, baby….

Disquieting Modern Trends: Interacting with the Smarty-Pants yet Ultimately Insufferable Public Edition

Hidey-hidey-ho, friends, and welcome to the end of the world.

Pavlov Is Shuffling in His Urn

Garfield begins salivating at the ring of a doorbell. When Jon presents the pizza delivered, Garfield’s wet himself with anticipatory spittle….

This One Really Sucks

Jon is chillin’ in the backyard’s inflatable pool, sipping from a glass of ice water. Garfield, perspiring, sucks so hard on the drinking straw of Jon’s beverage that the poolwater is sucked up through Jon’s pores and, somehow, into the…

Donor Secrecy

I am the head of a private investigations company. We have been approached by a woman whose 4-year-old child was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor. She wants us to locate the donor so that when her child turns 18, she can tell her who her biological father is. May we ethically take the case?
S.P., New York

Listen, dick: anonymous sperm donors are either junkies seeking fast cash or perverts seeking cheap thrills, if not perverted junkies seeking both. Women who resort to sperm donors are just old-fashioned ugly. Best bet is for you to take this cow’s cash and tell her the bastard’s pop died a war hero.

Curiosity Killed Something Else

Jon thinks cats are curious. Garfield demonstrates that he isn’t….

The Cat Lies

The cat explains that, to the human’s untrained eye, resting might look like nothing. But it’s different….

Kanye West’s Cronyism

by Nick Jezarian

If I were to become president, I can guarantee you, I wouldn’t hate black people. Oh hell no. The Whitey Billionaire’s Club though would be different story. He’d have another thing comin’, a niner to his smartass mouth. That’s right….

Justify My Love

Jesus Christ, this cat is at it again? He’s been lying on his f@#K%ng back all week. Now he’s waxing philosphical about how overrated standing on your feet is. Someone put this lazy son of a bitch out of his…

Beware the Dust Mites

As Garfield slips further and further into depression, John takes it as a display of his social ineptitude. Garfield lies prone, letting his melancholy eat away at his soul. John does not hug the cat or ask what he can…

Nappy Cat

In today’s adventure, our plump protagonist muses on the origin of the nap. While he discloses that he is not directly responsible for its genesis, he does reassure his devoted followers that he did indeed have a hand (or should…

To the Pirates, from the Cowboys

by Christian McNeal

The Cowboys 500 Fountainview Plaza Suite #610 Ward, Texas The Pirates General Delivery Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda Dear Pirates, This town isn’t big enough for the both of us. And by “this town,” we mean “the retro-childish zone of American…

Perhaps the Other End Is a Garfield Phone

Jon sets a milestone: 200 rings on the other end of an unanswered phone….