The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer
The Setting: A movie theater, at a screening of The Man starring Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy
Teen Ghost #1: Oh snap! Dude just peed in the pool!
Teen Ghost #2: This movie is hilarious, bro!
Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer [whispering]: Shhhhhhhh!
Teen Ghost #1: Someone did not just shh us.
Teen Ghost #2: It was that guy over there.
Doug [whispering]: Be quiet! I’m trying to watch the movie.
Arlene, the Ghost Whisperer’s Wife: Honey, who are you talking to?
Doug: Those noisy ghosts two rows back.
Arlene: For the love of god, Doug! Can’t we enjoy a movie without you making up another crazy ghost story?
Doug: I’m not making it up. There are two teenage ghosts a couple rows behind us. They’re being very rude.
Teen Ghost #1: Excuse me, dude who can see and hear us? Would you please shut up? We’re, like, trying to watch the movie.
Teen Ghost #2: Hooo! Good one! Low five! [Gives Teen Ghost #2 a low five.]
* * *
The Setting: A public library, in the main reading room.
Teen Ghost #1: They got Penthouse in here or what?
Teen Ghost #2: I don’t think so.
Teen Ghost #1: Well, they got National Geographic then?
Teen Ghost #2: Probably.
Doug [whispering]: Shhhhhhhh! I’m trying to read my book.
Teen Ghost #1: Oh no he didn’t.
Teen Ghost #2: That dude is so uptight.
Teen Ghost #1 [to Doug]: So read your damn book then.
Doug [whispering]: You guys are being very inconsiderate.
Librarian: Is there a problem, sir?
Doug: Those two ghosts are being very loud.
Librarian: Ghosts?
Doug: Yeah. Over there by the magazine rack. They’re teenagers.
Librarian: Are you O.K., sir?
Doug: Yes, I’m fine.
Librarian: Are you sure?
Doug: Yes. Thanks. I’m fine. Just forget it.
Teen Ghost #1: Shhhhhhh! I’m trying to read my magazines!
Teen Ghost #2: Damn straight! Low five! [Gives Teen Ghost #1 a low five]
* * *
The Setting: A funeral home, at the memorial service for Doug’s late wife, Arlene, who died in a carnival-ride accident.
Teen Ghost #1: Funerals are depressing!
Teen Ghost #2: This isn’t a funeral. It’s a memorial service.
Teen Ghost #1: What’s the difference?
Teen Ghost #2: I’m not sure.
Teen Ghost #1: Funeral, memorial service, whatever it is, it’s depressing. [His cell phone rings.] Hello? … Yo, dawg! Whassup?
Doug [whispering]: Shhhhhhhh!
Teen Ghost #2: Here we go again.
Doug [whispering]: Be quiet! I’m trying to listen to the eulogy for my late wife!
Teen Ghost #1: So listen to the damn eulogy then! Shoot, why you always gotta be shh-ing me? Can’t you see I’m on the phone?
Doug [whispering]: Please, have some respect! I’m saying goodbye to my wife!
Ghost of Arlene: Honey, who you are talking to?
Doug [whispering]: Those two noisy ghosts again.
Ghost of Arlene: For the love of God, Doug! Can’t we get through my memorial service without you making up yet another crazy ghost story?
Doug [whispering]: I’m not making it up! There are two teenage ghosts standing right there in the aisle.
Ghost of Arlene: Whatever. [Winks at Teen Ghosts.]
Doug [whispering]: Heck, you’re a ghost and I can see and hear you!
Ghost of Arlene: Honestly, Doug. I think you need help.
Teen Ghost #1 [Hangs up cellphone.]: You tell him, Arlene. You need help, Doug!
Doug: But, Arlene—
Teen Ghost #1: Come on, Arlene, we’re out. Let’s go see a movie.
Ghost of Arlene: O.K.
Doug [whispering]: Wait. You’re friends with them?
Ghost of Arlene: Yeah, they make me feel young again.
Doug [whispering]: You’re going to a movie with them in the middle of your funeral?
Ghost of Arlene: It’s a memorial service, not a funeral. And, yeah, memorial services are depressing. I’d rather do something fun.
Teen Ghost #1: What movie you wanna see, girl?
Ghost of Arlene: I hear The Constant Gardener is supposed to be good.
Doug [whispering]: Arlene!
Teen Ghost #1: All right, let’s do this then.
Teen Ghost #2: Yeah, I’m stoked. Rachel Weisz is a fox.
Ghost of Arlene: Ralph Fiennes ain’t so bad himself!
Teen Ghost #1: Oh snap! Arlene wants to get with Ralph Fiennes!
Teen Ghost #2: Yeah, Arlene! Low five! [Gives Ghost of Arlene a low five.]