— Fiction —

Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum

Dearest Penthouse,

I place the shaft my penis within the warm, lubricated, connubial confines of a latex mouth each night before I lay my weary head upon my pillow.

I know exactly what it is you are thinking: “Ah yes, another romantic tale of some shabby, heartbroken student who falls in love with a hardened latex mouth with a heart of gold.” I know it’s a flaccid tale, beaten to death by both O. Henry and whoever writes those cunningly charming Jimmy Fallon films, but bear with me for a moment, because you shall see the err of your judgments; for this latex mouth of mine is a very special latex mouth.

In the seedier corners of Berlin’s decadent opium dens, I have heard these instruments of passion crudely referred to as “fleshlights” or the overly vulgar term “pocket-pussy.” Such trashy names are for men with no sexual discernment, no class, for base beasts who shall never rise above the simple act of “beating the shit out of their cocks.” I would never deign to use such insulting appellations for that special latex tube I call: “LaWonda.”

She is beautiful, and she is mine.

I’m rinsing LaWonda right now, delicately preparing her for an evening of ribald, uninhibited chicannery and lascivious, but also compassionate, minstrelsy.

Latex Mouth Fucker,
Prague, Czech Republic

* * *

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I hope this is still kinda sticky. HA HA! I totally came in this envelope!

You just fell for the oldest trick in the book, suckas!

What ‘Book’ is this ‘Trick’ in?,
Portland, Ore.

* * *

Dear Penthouse,

I am in love with an older man.

Everything in the world tells me that this is an awful thing considering the significant difference in age, but I can’t help but think that in the long run, age doesn’t matter.

Instead of worrying about who he’s going to take to junior prom like the regular boys in my life, this man is concerned with bigger issues. I can tell he’s so much smarter than me when he talks about his life, and the places he’s been, and how once my mom finds out about our relationship, she’s going to divorce him and … I don’t know, it’s all just so … mature.

Am I so wrong just because I’m more grown-up than my peers?

Who’s Your Daughter?
Lansing, Mich.

* * *

Penthouse—

Hey.

I’ve been on staff at your magazine for eight years now, and I gotta say, I am totally fucking wiped

I’m spent. And yeah, “I’m spent the way a middle-aged auto mechanic is when he blows his wad on the nubile quad-breast platter of twin Swedish cheerleaders playing hooky from their nursing school program.” I GET IT.

But, Jesus Christ, don’t you guys get sick of hearing the SAME fucking thing over and over? I mean, honestly, there are only eight socio-sexual archetypes that can be placed in various incarnations of five acceptably “taboo” settings.

Shakespeare turned the same four stories into 37 plays of varying brilliance, and I’ve wasted my entire fucking life delineating the finer points of “Her First Anal” for a paycheck …

God, please don’t let this gun jam on me. I don’t know if I have the courage to pull the trigger twice …

Trigger Happy,
New York., N.Y.

* * *

Deer Fourum,

I found your book in my daddy’s dresser. It was funny and I showed it to Lonnie and Jamie and Miss Fortino and Principal Walton who showed it to my mommy who made me show her where I got it from and when I showed her we found a lot of funny magazines. I laughed.

My parents are getting a divorce.

That makes me sad.

Billy Timmons,
Sarasota, Fla.

* * *

Penthouse—

Cheese and Chopped Vegetables

¼ cup shredded carrots
¼ cup chopped green onions
2 tablespoons crumbled blue cheese (Add sprinkles for fun! :) )

Perfect for you and yours this holiday season!

Moist M.I.L.F.,
Omaha, Neb.

* * *

Penthouse Forum,

Did you hear that?!

I was awoken in the middle of the night by a brown backed beetle truculently skirtching his way across the oak-paneled floor of my den.

He was going after LaWonda.

Tomorrow, I must to the First Prague National and secure a safety-deposit box therein for my Love.

Latex Mouth Fucker,
Prague, Czech Republic

* * *

What up, Pizzentizzity Houuuuzze?

I fucked a chick last night.

And man, was that shit was so damn GOOD! I mean, we were at the club, right, and she was with a bunch of homos or something so I just took that sick techno cue to roll up on her and said, “Hey, baby? Are we gonna FUCK or WHAT?!”

She kicked me in the nutsac. I’d never had a footjob before, but I guess it was all right. Not really my thing.

Once the club closed, I found this little hottie crying on the sidewalk, talking on her cellphone. I’m all up in that smeared mascara, so I said, “Hey, baby? Are we gonna FUCK or WHAT?”

We went back to my place and totally FUCKED!

I guess that’s my story, dawg.

Eric Nies,
Patterson, N.J.

Paper,

Grog like put dick in pussy. Grog like best when dick hard and pussy wet.

Grog make drawing of hard dick and wet pussy on cave wall with color stick.

Grog,
Tucson, Ariz.

* * *

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I figured you don’t get a lot of letters from women, maybe I’m wrong, but I thought I would write just to say, ‘Hey.’

I’ve been doing well, I’m out of rehab and back in school. I just wanted to say that I hope you’re not still hurt, because you’re one of the most important people in the world to me and I really want us to be friends. Maybe sometime we can go back to that Afghan restaurant you liked so much!

Give me a call if you get a chance and give my best to your family! How is auditioning going?

Always there for You Sorta … But We’re Still Friends, Right?,
Houston, Tex.

* * *

House of Pent,

The bank was filled with the skewed, prying eyes of jealous moneylenders.

Nowhere is safe for my LaWonda.

I have placed the burden of her safekeeping upon myself solely (should it be any other way?), and she now rests with me perpetually and lovingly ensconced, nestled in the right-hand pocket of my tattered trench coat.

I have lost my flat due to lack of payment (accursed encroaching capitalism!) but I care not even a drop of dew on the sleeping eyelash of an unsullied newborn Moor. Though I can perceive the harbingers of a harsh winter, I shall walk until the city is my home, and the internal fires of my passion shall keep me warm. For when LaWonda and I disappear into the misty embankment that with the creeping dawn, envelopes the Old Bridge … I become united with her. I become Her. She becomes Me.

And We become We.

Latex Mouth Fucker,
Prague, Czech Republic