— Fiction —

The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto

Memo: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Guy.

O.K., O.K., O.K., I know it’s five o’clock, but seriously, they needed this yesterday. This will take less than a minute, I swear to you, so let’s bang this out real quick right now, O.K.? Great—hold on—(Into cellphone:) Jimmy! Hi! I was just going to call you! Yeah, she’s faxing it to you right now, right this second. Of course I’m sure. O.K. (hangs up) O.K., so what do we have so far? Right, O.K., so. Ahhhhhhhhm. Ahhhhhhh, O.K., so we got Voldemort, right, the Death Eaters, you got that part already, right? What do you mean? Haven’t you been listening? O.K., fine, so Voldemort and the death eaters and the Dementors, terrorizing London, yada yada. Make it sound really good, really creepy. Everyone’s scared, you know, make it scary. O.K. Ahhhhhhhhhhm. Uhhhhhhhhhh. O.K., then, or, first, before that, Ralph Scrimihumma, right, Rufus, that’s what I said, becomes the Minister of Magic—Oh, and you got the thing with Weasley and What’sherface, Hillary? Right, Hermione, that’s what I said. We’ve got to make this good, so do you think you could please try to pay attention? Oh, but first, we gotta get in the thing about Harry’s textbook, all the special spells, the Half-Blood Prince thingy, right, transcription, fine. See, at the end of this, it’s going to be great, there’s the Dark Mark over Hogwarts, and What’shisface gets killed, ooh, you’ll love it, very scary, it’s great. O.K., O.K. You know, you really should have had this to Jimmy already, like, yesterday. Ahhhhhhhhh, oh you got the thing about schmeckle, right, you know, whaddycallit, Snape, Severus Snape, right? Jesus, Shirley, are you even listening? Could you try to get this down? (Into cellphone:) Jimmy! You didn’t? I’ll have Shirley fax it again—she’s useless! (Hangs up.) I’m kidding, you’re great. O.K., where were we, ahhhhhhhhhhm, O.K., do a chart here. Can we do it Excel? O.K., so it’s Voldemort’s four horcruxes that must be destroyed, and then like a chart and pie chart or something. Fine, O.K. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh. Then, it turns out that Fleineyfloo, Whatshisname, Alan Rickman, he’s the Half-Blood Prince. Brilliant, isn’t it? And then, wait, you got the part with the Malfoy kid and how he’s in cahoots with, you know, Schmuterbub, Whathisname, right? That’s crucial, Shirley, please try to pay attention. O.K., get Jimmy on the phone right now. O.K., and you’re getting this, right, so Hogwart’s all messed up, it’s perfect, we leave room for another sequel. I’m good, right? Good enough, fine, O.K., so read that back to me.