All About Me: 12 Poems
Caveman
Someday I want to go spelunking again
with 400,000 albino epileptics with tails.
I haven’t done it since I was a sperm.
* * *
Yamahaha
I’m thinking about
replacing my vital organs
with a synthesizer.
* * *
Kentucky
We were into our desserts
when I told her,
“That ponytail
makes you look
even more like
a horse’s ass.”
She galloped out
of the restaurant in tears.
* * *
Skim
I believe less than 2%
of everything I read.
* * *
Tourist Traps
I discovered that
releasing them
back into their
natural plaid
habitat is when
it gets dangerous.
* * *
Invisibility
I don’t see what’s so special
about invisibility.
* * *
Living with Guilt
I wasn’t there with my family
when Granny died, so now
I’m the only one with an alibi.
* * *
Go Big Red
Just because
there’s no
life on Mars
doesn’t mean
I trust them.
* * *
Relax
I have a gun to protect
my other more expensive gun.
* * *
Mr. Beatty’s Neighborhood
Next summer I’m putting out
plastic grass and a real flamingo
to show my neighbors “tacky.”
* * *
Billy Joe Jim Bob, Etc.
I was stunned
how many rodeo clowns
climbed out of one
bull’s rear end.
* * *
Extraordinary
I’m more ordinary
than you think.