— Fiction —

Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com

From: Webmaster
To: Hoobastank Street Team

Hey, gang—I just wanted to throw a few ideas out there to those of you who are rallying on the message boards and MP3 blogs to get the word out! Hoobastank is out on tour right now supporting The Reason, and it’s up to all of us to spread the message that the Hoobs rock; so let’s stick together, observe the rules and let the Hoobastank revolution continue!

1. BE CREATIVE! Writing a CD review is fun! And it’s easy! But it’s really important to hold the reader’s attention. Writing the review in all caps is not creative. Watch out for spelling errors, as this encourages others to write negatively about you and reflects poorly upon Hoobastank. Enthusiasm is very important, but remember that anyone unfamiliar with the band might find all those breathy accolades a bit overwhelming and suspect. Also, try to temper your writing with some keen observations about the quality of the songs, and put a little less emphasis on how cute Doug, Dan, Chris and Markku are. (Even though they are!) Avoid silly “emoticons” —rock fans don’t have a sense of humor.
2. If you intend to purchase The Reason through Amazon, try to make an additional purchase outside of the genre. This way, anyone visiting the website that sees the reviews of a “Hoobastank” disc will be more inclined to believe what they read when they also note the sidebar, “Customers who bought this title also purchased…” If you are reviewing Hoobastank, and you also purchased Trapt, 3 Doors Down, Creed, and Smile Empty Soul, you’re not doing the band any favors and you’re letting the team down. We need to sway newcomers to the excellence of Hoobastank. Try to buy something that isn’t in the Top 40, like AC/DC’s Back In Black or maybe something by Motörhead. This will make people think twice about leaving the page, because those bands have street cred. We want people who are surfing the site to recognize the true majesty of the music.
3. Do not denigrate a magazine or media outlet because they don’t like Hoobastank. Don’t make your review about how much you hate Spin or Pitchfork and how they don’t know anything, or that they’re bitter, old, or “hatas.” Some new listeners might not be aware of those reviews, and you’re only calling attention to this
4. Try not to give every Hoobastank CD you review five stars. People are wary of over praising. If you give The Reason five stars, and you gave Appetite for Destruction five stars, people aren’t going to believe you and you’ll only end up getting flamed in the future. We all know how great The Reason is, but for the sake of the band, let’s buckle down and give it four stars (or maybe three and a half) so as to sound like we’re injecting some measured criticism into our reviews. (We can always get into the chat room to discuss how, in reality, The Reason is a five-star record from start to finish!)
5. When you log in to Amazon, try not to register with a name that uses, “Hooba” or “Stank” as your tag. “HoobaLee,” “Hooba-Nikki,” “LizHooba,” and “Brendastank” all know what I am talking about. You are only calling attention to the fact that you are already a fan. Just be yourselves—that’s what the guys in the band would want!

Finally, below are two examples of an Amazon CD review. One is “bad,” the other is “good.” Study these very carefully to see how to better construct a convincing review.
Let’s try to remember that we’re doing this for the boys and the greater good of Hoobastank. And remember, as always, it’s about the music.

(Bad, not believable.)

* * * * * (5 out of 5 stars) AWESOME! THIS CD IS THE BEST CD EVER!!! HOOBASTANK TOTALLY RULES!!! OMG!!!
Reviewer: Hooba-Amy (Corpus Christi, TX)
I LOVE HOOBASTANK!!! AND ONCE I HEARD “THE REASON” I KNEW I WOULD LOVE THEM FOREVER!!! YOU MUST LISTENT TO THIS CD AS IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!! THE LYRICS, THE CHORUSES, THE RINGING, JANGLING GUITARS… EASILY THE GREATEST WORK OF ART EVER PRODUCED BY A GROUP OF MUSICANS AND I AM INCLUDING SIMPLE PLAN AND RYAN ADAMS (BOTH FAVES!!!) ALONG WITH HOOBASTANK! AFTER YOU LISTEN TO THIS RECORD YOU TO WILL BE CALLING OUT THERE NAME IN EXCITEMENT! HOOBASTANK!!! HOOBASTANK!!! HOOBASTANK!!! I LUV U MARKKU!!!

(Good, believable.)

* * * (3 out of 5 stars) A surprisingly good CD, with many good songs.
Reviewer: Gregg Bell (Phoenix, AZ)
I was given The Reason as a Christmas present (along with Back in Black, Appetite for Destruction, Ace of Spades, Sgt. Pepper’s, and Dark Side of the Moon) and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. The are easily six or seven great songs on here, especially “Same Direction” and “Disappear” which are ones that I will play over and over. There’s only a couple that I maybe don’t like so much. Lots of great guitar work. The thing is, these songs are really quite good, and you should consider picking this up, because, if you haven’t heard them before, you’ll find out quickly how rockin’ they are. Oh, yeah—I guess you can call me a Hoobastank fan, now! Can’t wait to check ’em out live—I just hope they come to Phoenix. Arizona rules!