— Fiction —

Intellectual Property

From: The Law Offices of Gimmy, Moore, & Lykitt, L.L.C.

Dear Mr. Foer;

We have been retained by Mr. Jim Carrey in a matter of copyright infringement concerning your latest book.

We refer you to this statement in paragraph one of your novel:

“Another good thing is that I could train my anus to talk when I farted.”

This is an idea first presented—and thus has implied copyright protection-by our client, Mr. Carrey, in his television routines. We therefore ask that you cease and desist in the sale of your volume until changes are made eliminating this sentence, and also the following ones which are elaborations of the same basic idea; and that all previously printed copies be recalled.

Alternately, Mr. Carrey may permit you to sell this book as is, provided credit is given to him regarding the creative origin of the talking anus, and that a small royalty be paid on every book sold, as we realize the difficulties involved in a total reprint.

Although you may argue, perhaps rightfully, that the talking anus is not the primary focus of your novel, we must point out that it will be a major inducement for readers to buy your book, and that the talking anus is Mr. Carrey’s intellectual property.

We hope to hear from you in the very near future, so that an arrangement can be negotiated.

Yours truly;
Sid Gimmy

From: Lugosi & Lugosi, Attorneys-at-Law

Dear Sirs;

We have been hired to represent Mr. Foer, and respond for him regarding your client’s rather specious legal claim. We regard it as so specious, in fact, that we are fighting strongly the urge to say that Mr. Carrey is blowing smoke out his derrière.

While our client does not purport to actually speak from his anus, Mr. Carrey does. But his act really does nothing of the sort, and is only a form of cheap ventriloquism. We point out that Mr. Carrey’s lips move more than his nether cheeks when supposed flatulence is formed into words. Our client also points out that Mr. Carrey’s anus does not always move properly, opening at inappropriate times; and, therefore, resembles a kung-fu movie overdub. No judge would ever sanction the use of such obviously false evidence.

So, in response to your infringement case, we can only say, “Plphlplphlpht!”

B. Lugosi Jr.

From: Gimmy, Moore, & Lykitt, L.L.C.

Dear Mr. Lugosi:

Before we move to the stickier issues of the Carrey/Foer matter, we must point out that you have misspelled the fart noise. The correct spelling is: “Plbphplbphplbph.”

Moving on, the real issues of our claim have nothing to do with whether anyone can actually speak from his rectum. It is the idea of anal oratory, whether it is done or not. It is also an issue of what the anus actually has to say, and our client’s anus happens to say some very clever things, whereas your client’s can only utter “Wasn’t me!” or its French equivalent. This is hardly the kind of statement a true intellectual would make. The artistic use of the anus therefore is Mr. Carrey’s original conception, and Mr. Foer’s version is a plagiarized copy, and not a very good one.

We suggest you clear the air with your client, and have included a Glade Plug-in to help you do so.

Sid Gimmy

From: Lugosi & Lugosi, Attorneys-at-Law

Mr. Gimmy;

You have your briefs in a wad concerning the fart sound. Your spelling is the one established for the “lip fart,” “Bronx cheer,” or “raspberry” —a sound made with the lips, and not the sphincter. This spelling was conclusively established in the 1917 case, “Sunday School Teachers vs. Bronx Baseball Fans.” You should look it up, if enough light gets in where you keep your head. The spelling of the genuine fart sound has not been firmly established, due to the many different types.

As to the artistic use of the anus, again you are in the dark. Artistic use of this orifice dates at least to 1887, when Josef Pulhols—billing himself as “Le Petomane,” (The Fartiste)—first performed on the French Vaudeville stage. He actually could, and did, play tunes on an ocarina using no other force than his southerly winds. Your client is a real poopoo head if he thinks he can beat that!

Where copyright law is concerned, “Le Petomane” set the precedent, and the ntellectual properties of the anus are now public domain, to be used as wished by those of high intelligence to make whatever money they can.

So wipe off your smug smile. Or, to put it bluntly, “Put this matter in your hat, and pull it down over your ears!”

B. Lugosi Jr.