A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms
[Ring, ring.]
Bringer of Storms, how may I direct your call? I’m sorry, he’s not here right now … O.K. Well, if I could help in any way. Well, fine, if that’s the way. If that’s … ROOAARRRR!!!
[Ring, ring.]
Bringer of Storms, hello? Hello?
[Ring, ring.]
You’ve reached Bringer of Storms. I’m either not at my desk right now or I’m on another STORMY phone call! Please leave a message including your name, phone number, and time that you called, and I’ll get back to you quick as GREASED LIGHTNING!
[Ring, ring.]
Hey, it’s me … Bringer of Storms. Yeah, sorry, I was on the other line. Why didn’t you leave a message? … O.K., anyway, I think I can go tonight. I might be electrocuting some Vikings, but if I’m not … Yeah, if I’m not, I’ll be there. Cool. Is Sender of Nice Weather coming? God I hate him … Yeah, good, well … O.K., see you then.
[Ring, ring.]
Bringer of Storms, how may I direct your call? … Nope, I’m afraid we’re out of stock on that item … . Yes, I know. It’s just the lightning mallet is a real HOT SELLER … . Aw, don’t do the comedy drum roll, I didn’t mean that to be funny. It’s a hot seller … How funny is this: ROOAARRRR!!!
[Ring, ring.]
You’ve reached Bringer of Storms. Today is Friday, April 15th, and I am not in the office. Instead, Sven, Igor, and I are going to get our hair cut in the valley. It’s about time, jah?? I know we’re going at the same time, and it DOES NOT mean we’re gay. Leave me a message and I’ll try to STRIKE YOU WITH LIGHTNING on Monday. Just kidding, leave a message.
[Ring, ring.]
Bringer of Storms, where I ship your items the next day GUARANTEED! How may I direct your call? … I think I can help you with that … O.K., but … Why do you need to speak to a supervisor if I think I can help you with that? … O.K., well, I got some news for you pal, I GOT NO SUPERVISOR, IT’S JUST ME SITTING HERE, GETTING ANGRY!! … I’m not talking Chinese, I’m Bringer of Storms … Do you know who I am? ROOAARRRR!!!
[Ring, ring.]
Bringer of Storms, how may I direct your call? … O.K., that’s kind of personal, but, man, I think … . Well, O.K., male … . I must be male of Norwegian descent … . No, well maybe, hold on. Can I put you on hold for a sec? … Bringer of Storms, how may I direct your call? Hello? Acch, this damned thing … Still there? O.K., let’s see. I have a furry cloak, a big shiny belt with my favorite thing on it (lightning), spiky wristbands, big furry boots, and a brand new LIGHTNING MALLET!! And I’m 15 feet tall … Hello? Hello?
[Ring, ring.]
You’ve reached Bringer of Storms. Para español, prensa una. För norsk, presse två.. For English, press three … . Thank you for calling the Bringer of Storms hotline. You may dial your party’s extension at any time. Hail Hammers—125. Helmets—227. Lightning Mallets—118. Evil—217. General Lightning Inquiries—221 … . You’ve reached General Lightning Inquiries. If you’re calling to report unnecessary lightning, press 1 now. If you’re calling for facts about lightning, press 2 now. If you’re calling to request lightning, please press … Thank you for calling to request lightning. Bringers of Storms is on the phone with another customer, but he will STRIKE YOU WITH LIGHTNING shortly! Just kidding, he will be with you shortly. Please hold. Your call is very important to us. Estimated hold time … 13 … minutes.