New & Noteworthy
Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Industries:
Machine building, iron and steel, coal mining, chemicals, shipbuilding, food processing, glass, beverages, textiles.

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
Buone notizie per la gente che ama le notizie difettose.
Good news for people who love bad news.

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Monday, May 9, 2005   |    Fiction

Lesser Known Secrets from Secret Antiperspirant & Deodorant …

by Jonathan Stern
Secret

Secret #15
Sometimes I lie about my age

Secret #27
I think mustaches are sexy

Secret #29
I carry a rabbit’s foot with me on my first dates

Secret #36
My favorite Beatle is Ringo

Secret #46
I whistle in the shower

Secret #48
I let my dog sleep on the bed while I get fucked

Secret #49
I’m addicted to Karaoke

Secret #50
I used to be a roller-skate queen

Secret #57
My favorite dress is from Target and I shoplifted it

Secret #58
Romantic movies on the WE channel make me cry

Secret #66
Weddings make me cry

Secret #76
Sad songs make me cry

Secret #78
I often throw up after giving head

Secret #91
I wash my hair with my own urine

Secret #94
I watch ESPN just to help me get myself off

secret78.gifSecret #95
There’s this thirteen-year-old bag-boy who works at Safeway that
I totally want to nail

Secret #99
I love it when a man doesn’t shave off all his body hair

Secret #107
My fantasy is to go back in time to my high school prom, wear a spectacular Dolce & Gabana dress, have Kevin Spacey as my date, and revive the living dead to come and slaughter all those bastards who ignored me. Who’s laughing now?!

Secret #112
I bleach my asshole

Secret #116
I still play with dolls

Secret #118
I worship an omnipotent squirrel named Connor who lives in the tree outside my bathroom window

Secret #129
I accessorize with a strawberry-blond merkin

Secret #137
If I were a supermodel, I’d use all my money to give to charity, and to buy crack for said charities

Secret #143
I pretended to be insane to avoid going to trial

Secret #155
When I’m having sex with a complete stranger, I often think about Uncle Richard

Secret #156
They’ll never pin that murder on me, as long as they never find the gun that I hid under that Dumpster on the corner of 38th & Park … Oops! Damn it!

Secret #177
I give names to each one of my dildos corresponding to the president they most closely resemble

Secret #179
I’m going to spend my modeling fee from the Secret campaign on an ass-lift

Secret #180
When I get anxious, I pluck out my pubic hair. With my teeth.

Secret #182
In a manner of speaking, I have a penis

Secret #201
Most of my so-called friends have tried to get me committed at one time or another

Secret #221
I had to sleep with four executives at Procter & Gamble to get this gig

Secret #319
I hate myself

Jonathan Stern is a screenwriter and film & TV producer living in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. He's produced the films Scotland, PA (starring Christopher Walken), Oxygen (starring Adrien Brody), and HBO's The Vagina Monologues, among others. His allergies are bothering him this season.