— Fiction —

Godzilla vs. Godzilla

A chance meeting in a crowded sports bar …

Godzilla: Oh my God, you’re Godzilla—the baseball player!

Hideki Matsui: Oh my God, you’re Godzilla—the giant monster!

G: My kid watches all your games on TV.

H.M: My kid watches all your movies on TV.

G/H.M.: Can I have your autograph? (Embarrassed laughter.) You can make it out to my kid. (More laughter.)

H.M.: What’s your kid’s name?

G: Son of Godzilla.

H.M.: Oh. My. God.

G: Don’t tell me …

H.M.: Mine too!

They exchange autographs and stand in silence for a while.

G: So, what’s George Steinbrenner really like?

H.M: Absolute prick.

G: That’s what I figured.

Godzilla destroys Tokyo, sparing Matsui, who resurrects the honor of the game by just saying no to drugs. Except for alcohol and cocaine. Because if they were good enough for Mickey Mantle, Vida Blue, and Darryl Strawberry, they’re good enough for him.