If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials

Dick Cheney: Mr. President, the latest poll numbers on Social Security reform are in.

George W. Bush: Dick, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times—I don’t care about the polls. The Lord is telling me how and when to unravel the New Deal.

Cheney: But Mr. President—this isn’t like Iraq. Congress is actually going to vote on this thing. Their constituents need to support it.

Bush: You’re right, Dick. As usual. What’re the numbers?

Cheney: Fully 68 percent of the public is not convinced there is a “crisis,” and 80 percent of those over 55 are opposed to the “private investment accounts.”

Bush: If the people of our otherwise freedom-loving country are not going to support our blatant dismantling of the social safety net, Dick, then why do you have that sly grin on your face?

Cheney: Oh … because no matter what happens with Social Security, I’m still going to be wicked rich, and [turning to the camera] I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by calling GEICO.

Condoleezza Rice: I don’t know what to tell you, Colin. I think you blew a great gig. I’m traveling the world, wearing fabulous tailored suits as I walk the streets of Prague. You made being Secretary of State seem like such drudgery. I make spreading democracy look like a Doris Day movie.

Colin Powell: You’re a smart woman, Condi, with the going to college at 15, the Ph.D., the Stanford professorship and the I-could-have-been-a-concert-pianist-despite-growing-up-in-the-shadow-of-segregation thing. You’ll see.

Condi: You think I just haven’t seen the dark side of George yet. But it was you. You never had his ear. You never spoke his language. Wipe that grin off your face. What is it?

Colin: Nothing really. Just that not only am I no longer famously ignored by the most powerful man on the planet, but I also now command a speaking fee of more than $100,000 per appearance. [Turning to the camera] And I just saved fifteen percent on my car insurance by calling GEICO.

Tom DeLay: Man, Grovie, we got them Dems on the run. Even Hillary’s duckin’ and hidin’—backin’ away from baby-killin’, startin’ to hum George Strait songs when she’s in public. Hooo-eeeee!

Grover Nordquist: Shut up, DeLay. Don’t get giddy. We’re spanking them, sure, and they’re backpedaling so fast that their fancy New Balance sneakers are running out of tread. But.

DeLay: But? C’mon, Grovie! Smile for me! We won this thing!

Nordquist: Get back to work, DeLay. There’s no rest for the soldiers in this war. What about all those scandals of yours? I got the senate ethics rules changed for about a week before your shit-eating grin forced us to back down.

DeLay: Hey, relax. I’m telling you, Dan Rather’s been hounded off TV, every single American car has one o’ those Yellow Ribbon “I Support Our Troops” magnets—we couldn’t be better off if we could print votes on bubblegum wrappers.

Nordquist: Not a bad idea, DeLay. Heh-heh-heh.

DeLay: You like that, huh? That’s what I like to see, Grovie—that big grin on your face.

Nordquist: DeLay, you chucklehead. Your bubblegum idea is ridiculous.

DeLay: Then why are you smilin’ like a hungry spider?

Nordquist: Four reasons. One, I am technically part arachnid and can’t help myself. Two, Howard Dean. Unbelievable. Three, the rightwing takeover of a formerly liberal and progressive nation that flowered with opportunity for a larger and larger number of regular people is almost complete. And four, [turning to the camera] …