Friday, December 24, 2004

— Fiction —
The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter

Hi,

Jim has testicular cancer. Pray for him. He’s doing OKAY but pray for him. The growth has reëmerged in his left testicle. We’re hoping to get him out of the hospital for Christmas. If we do get to take him home (cross your fingers and pray) we’ll put him in bed, turn on the Barbara Streisand Christmas album, and maybe serve him up some of my famous ham. (Cleta, you’ll get the recipe when I die. I’ll put it in the will. – ☺)

The kids are doing OKAY. Jimmy has a restraining order against him by his third wife, Melly. Jimmy and Melly have had it pretty rough lately, what with Jimmy getting laid off at the paper mill and Melly getting in the newspaper for the incident at the paper mill, but I think (pray, everyone pray) that they’ll get back on track and see, once and for all, how much they mean to one another and how much they love one another (scars notwithstanding). That’s what Christmas is about, right? Forgiveness for sins. Or is that Easter? Or is it one of those Jew holidays? Never mind, just pray for them and their happiness.

Virgil’s baby has a cleft palette. They’re hoping to get some money scraped together to fix it. I’m not giving them one dollar, though. I didn’t think they should have even HAD that baby.

The twins, Monique and Jesse, are doing wonderfully in Los Angeles. They called me the other day and told me they had an agent and everything. They’re going to be in movies! It’s true. Go to the local video store sometime soon and ask the clerk if they can show you Moby Dicks. That’s their first movie. They’ve already signed up to be in another movie, The Brides of Frank N. Stein. I heard it’s a horror movie but really good anyway. I asked them if I could come to the set sometime but they said no. Something about confidentiality and copyright infringement or something.

As for me? Well, OKAY, if Crohn’s disease is OKAY. If you’re not up on medical terminology (and who is?!) Crohn’s disease is an inflammatory condition that affects my digestive tract, including my mouth, esophagus, stomach, small and large intestines, and anus. Did I say “anus”? Unfortunately, yes. It’s terrible having the disease during the holidays! There’s nothing that ruins a holiday feast more than diarrhea. Diarrhea and gastrointestinal discomfort. Diarrhea, gastrointestinal discomfort, and sharp pains in my anus.

Happy holidays!

Virginia & Jim Stanton

Jonathan Shipley is an idiot savant in the area of animal husbandry. He is married to a woman. They have a baby named Grace who can recite the Ukrainian national anthem. (“We’ll show that we, brothers, are of the Kazak nation!”) He hopes to be either a novelist or the pope. (He enjoys wearing big hats.) His foray as a superhero, the Thundering Wisk, was short-lived after he was attacked viciously in a Target parking lot. In the hospital he started his blog Jonathan’s Wacky World, that he updates regularly.

— Fiction —

The Annual Holiday Newsletter from the Guy Who Does the Voiceover for NBC Primetime TV Previews

Michael Ward

It’s been an EXPLOSIVE 2004 for the Jones family. You WON’T BELIEVE when you hear what’s been happening. First, in a SHOCKING TWIST ...

— Fiction —

Letter from the White House to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum

George Motisher

December, 2004 Dear Madame; The White House has recently been informed that you have created a new Nativity scene, with biblical characters being portrayed by wax sculptures of sports legends, entertainers, and political leaders. The White House tries to...

— How To —

Selected Tips from Emily Post's Etiquette for Ukrainian Dinner Parties

When choking or strangling, see to it that the victim’s chair is first pulled back six inches from the dinner table, so that his flailing arms and legs do not upset the place setting.

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